


let's find together again

by yukirei



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Future Fic, M/M, actually everyone in Karasuno will probably be mentioned off handedly or something, amnesiac anxieties, random sightings of ships i prefer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-11-29
Updated: 2016-06-18
Packaged: 2018-02-27 11:05:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 20,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2690552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yukirei/pseuds/yukirei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's like a new start none of them wished for.</p><p>an amnesiac Yamaguchi fic and how everyone has to deal with it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. should you have said goodbye?

**Author's Note:**

> this started out as one scene where i wanted to make yamaguchi call tsukki "tsukishima" because he doesn't remember. it spiraled out of control and this is what i end up with.
> 
> basically this is sort of a future fic so i'm taking canon into account, karasuno babies are in college, tsukishima/yamaguchi/yachi are in the same university so they're really close friends.
> 
> song title is an english translation from bouken suisei by kurumi enomoto used in tales of the abyss and one of the songs i had on my playlist for this fic.

The sun was up high in the cloudless sky, there was a slight breeze to alleviate some of the heat, the noise was the usual chatter of students, happy, normal. Nothing gave a sign that today would be anything but normal.

The call came a few minutes after his third class of the day. He remembered feeling mildly irritated at the unknown number but he took the call anyway, answering with a bored tone when the other end asked if he was Tsukishima Kei.

Of all the mundane, annoying things Kei had been expecting: a marketing call, a subscription offer, a prank call even, he hadn't been expecting the dread that washed over him as the woman on the line continued, voice calming and cautious, informing him that they got his contact information from a patient's emergency contact number.

Kei didn't process past the words that said Yamaguchi was admitted into a hospital, the woman's voice on the other end turned to a buzzing as Kei's feet moved, bringing him to the gates of the university, straight to the train station, classes for the day completely forgotten.  
   
 

* * *

 

 

When he arrives at the hospital asking for Yamaguchi, it's a police officer that he's directed to instead of a doctor. The officer tells him of the events that happened: a robbery gone wrong, a hostage taking and finally a civilian (Yamaguchi) getting shot.

Yamaguchi wasn't even at the shop that was robbed. He wasn't the unfortunate hostage that the robber had grabbed off the street to secure a get away. Yamaguchi just had the worst luck on being hit by a stray bullet when the robber had fired off his gun at the police while he was on the run.

It was a case of being at the wrong place at the wrong time.

Kei feels a laugh bubbling inside at the absurdity. Yamaguchi had been on his way to the train station, Kei recalls he had a class at four-thirty and instead of being safe in a boring lecture, he had gotten himself shot in the middle of Tokyo's crowded street. Probably a hundred other civilians and Yamaguchi gets the bullet. The laugh slips out but it surprisingly doesn't sound like one, it's choked off and trembling, like a coughed up sob. The officer's demeanor softens and he puts a hand on Kei's shoulder.

The officer is asking about Yamaguchi's family and contacting them when a doctor comes out. He rattles off Yamaguchi's injuries, there's also a head trauma because a gunshot wound with complications wasn't enough apparently. After the short report, the surgeon ends with telling them that Yamaguchi's still in surgery before heading back. Kei then accompanies the officer in contacting Yamaguchi's parents.

 

* * *

  
   
Kei now understands why in shows and movies they only show a montage of the waiting room in hospitals. They don't show the whole thing because it's long— longer than it has any right to be. Each second stretches out and five minutes feels like a lifetime. 

It's the longest three hours of Kei's life and he's a college student who has four-hour long classes twice a week so that's saying something. 

The waiting room is mostly quiet; some murmurs, the soft scuffing of soles on the tiled floor, a fingernail tapping against the wooden armrest of the couch, the sounds are calming and nerve-wracking in a way that's only possible when one is waiting for a life changing news. It's broken at the hour and a half mark of his waiting when a blonde comes in frantic, backpack hanging off one shoulder.

Kei blinks and then remembers that he called Yachi after calling Yamaguchi's parents.

When her gaze falls on him, she hurries over, worry clearly shown on her face.

"How is he?" She asks as she dumps her bag on the open seat next to Kei.

He murmurs something like "still in surgery", feeling so out of it that he doesn't even protest when Yachi hugs him, petting his hair and whispering reassurances. He thinks that she's reassuring the wrong person, he isn't the one that got shot after all. He knows that Yamaguchi's going to be fine, he's not going to die. It's Yamaguchi. He may have a shitty enough luck to get randomly shot but it's not bad enough that he'd die. He wouldn't. He doesn't need the reassurances that Yachi is giving.

Except Yachi is suddenly wiping at his cheek with her thumb and telling him that he could cry all he wanted so he could smile when they saw Yamaguchi again.

Maybe he does need the reassurances.  
   
 

* * *

 

Yamaguchi's parents arrive half an hour before the doctor comes out again, looking tired and grave as he approaches their party of four. Kei's heart lodges in his throat until the doctor tells them that Yamaguchi is out of surgery and is stable. 

He's still unconscious when they enter his room and his mother lets out a sob as she slowly approaches Yamaguchi's bed, acting as if the unconscious brunette is a skittish animal ready to bolt.

Yamaguchi doesn't even stir as his mother runs a hand through his hair, cupping a cheek and kissing his forehead. She stays there, her husband standing just behind her and holding onto Yamaguchi's hand. 

Kei stays with Yachi near the door of the room, torn between wanting going over there, close enough to touch, maybe feel a pulse just to make sure despite the steady beeping of the machine monitoring Yamaguchi's heartbeat, and staying where he is, unwilling to intrude. Yachi's presence beside him is a comfort he doesn't want to admit but he's grateful when she reaches over to squeeze his hand, whispering to him, "He'll be okay." 

Kei wants to believe that.

 

* * *

  
   
Yamaguchi's knocked out for the rest of the night and most of the morning. With no complications and an assurance from the doctor that everything's fine, Kei had finally managed to convince Yamaguchi's parents to go back to their hotel to shower and change, maybe eat something first reasoning that he could stay and watch Yamaguchi in their place.

Kei had been reading a book (as thrilling as watching Yamaguchi's sleeping face is, doing it the first four hours last night was enough) when Yamaguchi shifts in his bed, making snuffling noises while his eyelids flutter, then blinking repeatedly before finally opening fully and looking around. His gaze stops when it reaches Kei, there's a lot of blinking and brows furrowing but Kei doesn't care, relief washes over him. Yamaguchi's awake. He's fine.

The book falls out of Kei's hand as he stands up, taking the last step closer to Yamaguchi's bed.

"You're awake." He says at the same time as Yamaguchi says, "Who're you?"

And just like that his relief evaporates.  
   
\---

There had been a split second when Kei considered that Yamaguchi may have been playing a trick on him. (An amnesia prank is a classic. Lame but a classic.) But the look on Yamaguchi's face and the fact that he's probably still doped up on meds makes Kei believe otherwise.

He swallows, counting to five before he can even say, "You don't know me?"

Yamaguchi's brows furrow even deeper and he has that look of pure concentration, like he's doing an exam and the question is something he can answer if he just thinks back hard enough.

"Don't strain yourself." He suddenly says, tone sounding too harsh even to his ears. Yamaguchi startles and there's red creeping up his cheeks.

"S-Sorry."

The word, the tone— even his expression is so familiar but the absence of Yamaguchi's silly nickname for him makes it feel wrong, like uneasiness slowly hollowing out a space in his chest.

"Sorry but should I know you?" Yamaguchi ventures timidly when Kei lets the silence between them be.

Kei almost wants to laugh at the question. Should Yamaguchi know him? It's so ridiculous that Kei doesn't know how to answer. Yes would be the simple answer but could that one word really encompass their history? 

(Yes, we've known each other since our elementary years. Yes, you've been following me around for close to a decade. Yes, we've literally had some bullshit character growth together during our high school years. Yes, we live together. Yes, we've finally started dating. Yes, you should know me.)

He's saved from answering though when Yamaguchi's mother comes in and Yamaguchi can't recognize her any better than he could recognize Kei.

It's terrible of him to take any comfort in that but it makes the sting at being forgotten a little better.   
   
 

* * *

 

 

Yamaguchi doesn't remember anyone, not even his own name, so it's nothing personal that he's forgotten about Kei. It's a retrograde amnesia that messed up his episodic memory, most likely caused by his head trauma and the fact that he was shot, or so the doctor tells them.

Aside from the obvious memory loss, Yamaguchi seems to be recovering just fine though. A few days after Yamaguchi wakes up, his parents spend their time telling him information about himself, childhood stories and things a child should know about their parents. Kei comes in periodically, sometimes at the middle of a story, a tail end of a sentence, a beginning of a fact.

He watches Yamaguchi's rapt attention to his parents as he soaks up years of events in a day, somewhere along the way Kei's roped in to tell stories too. He tells Yamaguchi how they met (Yamaguchi coming up to him in class and talking to him suddenly), how they've been classmates for years, how they went to the same high school, how they played volleyball together, how they finally won finals in their senior year, how they're both in the same university and sharing an apartment. Some of it is just repeating what his parents had mentioned earlier but still Yamaguchi listens. 

(He doesn't tell Yamaguchi how he's Kei's first friend, how Yamaguchi had been a comfortable constant in his life, how without a question Yamaguchi just attended the same high school, how Yamaguchi picked up on something Kei loved doing even when he refused to admit it. He doesn't tell Yamaguchi that he loves him, that they're together. And Yamaguchi doesn't look like he misses any of it.)

Somewhere in the middle of his stories, Yachi arrives with a basket of fruit. She's delighted to see Yamaguchi awake and doesn't even look upset that Yamaguchi doesn't remember her. She just comfortably fits herself in Yamaguchi's new little world, friendly and open, engaging Yamaguchi until Yamaguchi's laughing like they're old friends.

(They are but Yamaguchi doesn't remember that. It's not fair, Kei thinks.)

Later in the week, there are more visitors, Yachi telling their old teammates and mutual friends. Their seniors from Karasuno come in early, dropping by before their class. It's mostly introductions, some sheepish smiles and apologies from Yamaguchi for not remembering them, a story here and there and promises about visiting again. Hinata and Kageyama's visit is a noisy affair that brings in a nurse who glares daggers at them until they shut up. Yachi helps in keeping them in line so they don't get in trouble again. 

Kei doesn't contribute much except for retorts and maybe a few teasing remarks thrown at Kageyama but he does watch as Yachi brushes Yamaguchi's hair, as Hinata gives Yamaguchi a full blown hug, as even Kageyama makes Yamaguchi chuckle. 

He doesn't address the irritation he's feeling, instead he stabs a strawberry from the package that came with Yachi's fruit basket and eats it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hopefully each chapter should be in someone's pov for the whole thing but i really don't trust myself so if i use kei to refer to tsukki it's in his pov and if you see tadashi used it's most likely it's in yamaguchi's pov. i'll be doing alternates for them so yeah.
> 
> sorry if it confuses anyone!


	2. introduce me to me

 

 

 

After the initial round of introduction, Tadashi hesitantly calls his parents Mom and Dad. He tries it again. It comes out a little smoother but it doesn't sit naturally on his tongue; still, they look happy and Tadashi sucks it up. He calls them Mom and Dad, ignoring the unease settling in his stomach at how there's no feelings behind the names.

He first called the tall blonde with glasses "Tsukishima-san" but had quickly agreed when he was scowled at and the blonde snapped at him that, "Tsukishima is fine." 

Tadashi calls him Tsukishima now but even so Tsukishima looks so sour sometimes, like he doesn't like the name even though he suggested it. Yachi (previously Yachi-san, for all ten seconds) looks like she wants to say something when Tadashi mutters to her about it but one glance back at Tsukishima who's busy talking to his parents and all she tells him is that he shouldn't worry and that Tsukishima isn't angry at Tadashi.

Tadashi wants to believe her but when he looks at Tsukishima, he wonders how they could've been friends when Tsukishima seems too intimidating.

 

* * *

Tadashi meets more people than he really expects. He doesn't remember anyone, doesn't even have any twinge of recognition. No strong feelings of nostalgia, no fuzzy memories, not even a flashback.

He feels bad, especially when he listens to them recount stories, watch their eyes soften when he tells them he doesn't doesn't remember any of it. He makes up for it by remembering the names they give though, filling in the gaps and trying to see, to feel his old life.

Yachi is the easiest to be with. She's bright and bubbly and she's the only one that feels like she fits even though sometimes she inadvertently mentions something from Yamaguchi's past that he doesn't recall. She's there as much as his parents are, sometimes cutting apples into rabbits or peeling an orange for him. 

She's comfortable and Tadashi feels like maybe he's falling in love a little bit with her smiles.

Everyone else, from Hinata-san to Daichi-san, feels like a story. They don't fit as well as Yachi but they're immersive; it's fun listening to their stories, watching the way they move as they tell them. like he can imagine being that Yamaguchi they know, maybe he can be if he learns more of that person. 

The hardest to read is Tsukishima. He's like Yachi, almost always there, only away for classes but otherwise reading a book in Tadashi's room. He doesn't talk to Tadashi the way Yachi and his parents constantly do, like they figured if they did it enough Tadashi might remember something. He's just...he's just there.

Tadashi talks to him sometimes, feeling a little apprehensive because he just doesn't know what to talk about which sounds stupid because they're supposed to be childhood friends. From the stories he's heard, he and Tsukishima were attached at the hip, they were a package deal.

But when Tadashi talks to him, he feels like Tsukishima realizes something the others don't.

That he's not exactly the same person he was before his accident. It's like an odd identity crisis. He's still Yamaguchi Tadashi, obviously; still his parents' son, still the college student, still the pinch server that won Karasuno a set during the finals match in their senior year, still Yachi and Tsukishima's (and Hinata-san and Kageyama-san and everyone else who visited) friend, just because he lost his memories doesn't mean he's not that person anymore.

Except it feels like that.

He thinks of Yamaguchi that everyone talks about and it feels like someone else's shirt that's too big he's borrowing. He thinks of Yamaguchi Tadashi pre-memory loss as a whole other person, someone he has to learn about so he knows how to act.

He doesn't feel it as keenly talking to others as he does when he talks to Tsukishima, especially when they're alone together. Tsukishima's eyes are piercing, almost disapproving, and Tadashi feels like Tsukishima is going to yell that he's an impostor or something.

He never does, of course, and somehow that makes Tadashi feel more anxious.

 

* * *

Five days later, Tadashi is dressed in his own clothes and ready to leave the hospital. He's sitting on his bed listening to the doctor talk to his parents, explaining that their son should have a full recovery physically but the diagnosis on his memory loss is murky at best. Amnesia is a tricky case, he had told them. Sometimes patients make a full memory recall in an instant and sometimes it's a gradual thing, it could take months, even years. Sometimes it's just bits that comes back and other times there's only a few gaps in what a patient could remember.

Then something about only his episodic memory had been affected and everything else seemed to be fine, that Tadashi should have no problem readjusting with a little help. There's more to the conversation but Tadashi zones out when it had been bombarded by too many technical terms he's unfamiliar with.

His mind drifts off to yesterday's visit from Yachi who brought along a dozen get well soon cards from their college friends and another basket of fruit. They had talked about Tadashi's plans after getting discharged, if he would go back to Miyagi with his parents or if he would continue with his semester. 

Tadashi had wanted to do the latter but with half of this semester's lessons missing from his memory, he didn't think he could even pass any of his classes. Still, the thought of going back home churns at his stomach. Is it still home? Even though he doesn't remember any of the memories that makes Miyagi home? It's a thought that kept him up last night, a heavy weight settling on his chest that makes him almost panic and blow his cover of fake sleeping. 

His parents haven't really brought up the issue, mostly focusing in hospital paperwork and making sure Tadashi's as comfortable as he could be during his hospital stay. Maybe they're assuming Tadashi would go back home, after all, what else would he do in Tokyo if he couldn't attend university? And for all that he has no memories of this place, Tokyo feels more of a home (more familiar, more his place) than the thought of his parent's house back in Miyagi that he doesn't even remember.

"--guchi. Yamaguchi."

Tadashi blinks as his eyes focuses, only to squeeze shut as he feels a flick on his forehead. When he opens them, Tsukishima is in front of him, frowning and  _looming_ .

"What? Sorry, I wasn't listening." He mumbles, trying to scoot away from the blonde but not wanting to look like it.

"Clearly." Tsukishima exhales and Tadashi is mildly impressed at how a sigh can sound so judgmental. 

"Sorry, Tsukishima." He says, more to placate than any feelings of actual remorse. It's like a reflex, the apologizing, Tadashi has noticed. Especially with Tsukishima. It feels like the easiest response when he has nothing else, his back-up when his brain grasps at nothing during a conversation, a security phrase of sorts. Was it the same back when he still had his memory? 

Despite that though, it feels like Tsukishima doesn't like it. He hasn't said anything except maybe offhand sarcastic responses but sometimes Tadashi will say, "Sorry, Tsukishima", and the blonde's eyes will just narrow, lips tightening into an almost scowl before it smooths away into a cold expression or sometimes he'll look away, face impassive. Tadashi never comments on it, too scared to poke through unfamiliar territory at this stage. He wonders though: could the old Yamaguchi Tadashi read Tsukishima's expressions better? 

 

* * *

 

The talk about what Tadashi will do now comes up when they arrive at his parents' hotel room. Tsukishima's just about to leave when Tadashi tells them that he doesn't want to go back to Miyagi (pointedly avoiding calling it home). His mother reasons with him, he can't continue university in his condition. It's better for him to take a leave and rest. His heartbeat kicks up as he struggles to convince them but he's unwilling to spill out his anxiety and the argument goes round and round until his mother tells him that he's better off somewhere familiar and Tadashi can't help but snap back that Miyagi  _isn't_ familiar,  _nothing_ is.

The silence that follows is sharp, a guillotine's blade coming down on their necks.

Tadashi feels like he's done something wrong, like he's made a crack on the glass protecting his parents' world. They think of him as the old Tadashi, the Tadashi who grew up in Miyagi, the Tadashi who calls Miyagi home. It had been easy ignoring the gap between the old Tadashi and him at the hospital, the place acting like a freebie pass for him to not be  _their_ Tadashi. 

Now, looking at their shocked expressions, wide eyes and stiff shoulders, Tadashi can't help but feel terrible. It's not their fault. And he could definitely have chosen a better tone with his words. "Sor--"

"He can stay at our place."

Tsukishima's voice cuts through his own and he's startled. He had forgotten about Tsukishima, thinking that the blonde had left earlier. He'd been too caught up in the argument that he didn't even notice if the door had opened.

"It still has all his things. More recent things that he might remember better. The doctor said earlier that recent events would have more chance for recall." Clearly Tsukishima had been listening earlier when Tadashi was not. "He won't be alone, I'll be there and I'm sure Yachi won't mind staying over when she can."

Tsukishima's voice is steady, authoritative but oddly enough not commanding. He sounds reasonable, convincing. The more Tadashi listens to him, the more he wishes he sounded like that earlier, articulate and logical instead of the desperate attempts he'd been doing.

He ends with, "I'll bring him back during our break, that way he can adjust both here and in Miyagi." 

His parents aren't completely convinced though, and it takes a while longer, with lots of planning and compromise, Tadashi having to call them every week for a report but Tsukishima handles it all pretty easily, like he's used to negotiating and tactics.

Tadashi isn't sure if the feeling he has as he says goodbye to his friend is admiration or jealousy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yama pov finally!!
> 
> also can i just say it's hard to find a balance between douchebag-tsukki and caring in denial-tsukki bc i need the perfect middle for this to work. and i imagine yachi is much more confident and outgoing after three years of exposure to hinata + being karasuno's super capable manager after kiyoko leaves
> 
> anyway we've got two povs out so strap in because this ride is far from over (like really i wanted to finish this really quick but. it. wont. let. me. goddammit)


	3. this isn't like being home with you

 

 

"Here 's  your room." Kei says as he opens the door to Yamaguchi's room for the first time since the accident.

Yamaguchi steps forward hesitantly, eyeing his room like it's a dangerous trap (or maybe that's just Kei projecting, who knows).

"Does it seem familiar at all, Yamaguchi-kun?" Yachi asks, standing beside the brunette. Yamaguchi smiles sadly at her as he shakes his head and she pats him, assuring him that it's okay, he'll get there. The tension eases off him and he enters his room, holding onto Yachi's hand.

Kei hates it, tamps down the urge to slam the door in Yachi's face. It's not her fault. It's not that he hates Yachi. He  _likes_ Yachi. Yachi's his friend (as adamant as he is at saying he doesn't need friends, she _is_  his friend). Yachi's a solid support to him and Yamaguchi, even before the accident. 

It's just.

He feels like there's a gap between him and Yamaguchi that he can't cross. Not like Yachi who manages to build her own new bridge back to Yamaguchi without trouble. 

He doesn't want to make stupid apple bunnies for Yamaguchi, even though he seems delighted with them whenever Yachi makes them. He doesn't feel comfortable talking about his feelings, hasn't had the need to really, Yamaguchi always just knew, knew him better than anyone. Except he doesn't anymore. 

This Yamaguchi doesn't know anything about him or what they've gone through. He'd glance through the corner of his eyes at Yamaguchi when he stayed over at his hospital room, trying to read a paragraph for the eighth time with no success because all he's thinking is that the silence between him and Yamaguchi is strained, awkward, like anticipation constantly scratching at his skin. 

Yamaguchi tries to talk to him sometimes and Kei feels a surge of relief, gratefulness, but it washes away as their conversation lulls into a stop. And it's not the first time that Kei realizes how much effort Yamaguchi had been pouring into their relationship before his accident, going on and on, keeping up one-sided conversations, unafraid of Kei's usual unresponsiveness. This new Yamaguchi always seem tentative, not daring to push and Kei wonders if this Yamaguchi is still the same as  _his_ Yamaguchi.

"Tsukishima?"

Kei blinks and his gaze focuses on a freckled face, a little too close and he reels back. He feels his face scrunching into a scowl and he sees Yamaguchi pull back, eyes nervous and a touch fearful. Kei wants to kick someone, maybe himself.

"What?"

"Um. Y-you." Yamaguchi clears his throat when his voice breaks. "You were furrowing your brows. Are you alright?"

"I'm fine." He snaps back even though he doesn't want to sound irritated, that slip makes him frown even more and Yamaguchi literally takes a step back, away from him. In an instant Yachi is next to him, like a mother crow sensing her fledgling is in trouble. She gets in the middle of them with her bright smile and changes the subject. She declares that she's hungry and "Aren't you hungry too, Yamaguchi-kun? How about we get take out? Maybe invite the others over if you don't mind company?"

Yamaguchi smiles at her and gives a small nod, saying he'd like that before glancing at Kei then adds, "Only if Tsukishima doesn't mind either." 

Kei just continues frowning, not excited at the prospect of an impromptu party at his and Yamaguchi's apartment but Yachi stares at him with a wide smile and conveys through silent eye communication that Kei better say yes or she would make his life very difficult, don't even try her Tsukishima Kei. 

So Kei shrugs and tells them to do what they like before walking off to his room, closing his door to the happy sounds of Yachi and Yamaguchi as they list off the people they should call over.

 

* * *

 

They're drunk.

(There's been more and more get-togethers at their apartment since that first time Yachi suggested it. Sometimes everyone from Karasuno is available and the living room to the kitchen of their apartment is occupied, the placing feeling cramped in a way that screams life. Other times it's just Hinata with Kageyama in tow, or Kenma and Kuroo. The point is, Kei and Yamaguchi's apartment has been receiving more visitors in the six short weeks since Yamaguchi's been discharged compared to the whole year and a half they've been living in the place before the accident. All for Yamaguchi to reassimilate, to adjust, to remember. He never does though. The nights, and mornings, always end with new memories but no old ones.)

Kei narrows his eyes as Hinata giggles on the floor, red-faced and slapping his thigh. The living room stinks of booze and he can't believe Yachi would allow this but can only roll his eyes when he finds the tiny blonde on the couch beside Yamaguchi, both of them as red as Hinata but not as boisterous, Yachi is giggling too though. Kageyama is staring rather intensely at a volleyball off to the side of the coffee table and Kei doesn't even have enough fucks to give to tease their former setter.

"Heyyyy, Tsupid's home!" Hinata warbles, waving haphazardly, almost smacking his face with his hand.

Kei steps on Hinata's hand on the way to his room.

"You're still a dick, Tsukishima!" Hinata yells after him but he slams his door and the noise from outside is muffled.

He lets bag fall to the floor as he closes his eyes, leaning against the door.

He thought the get-togethers had been a good idea at first. Yamaguchi looked like he enjoyed them a lot and there had always been a hope that he would remember something, anything. 

(Of course he hasn't, their luck is just that shitty.)

Kei hadn't minded so much the first few times, especially whenever Daichi-san and the other seniors are over, everything is orderly then, an actual get together with everyone just telling stories and eating together. It's when it's just Hinata and Kageyama, Nishinoya-san and Tanaka-san that the place gets a bit rowdy. Still Kei hadn't minded before.

But now it feels like everyone has an open invitation to drop by their apartment whenever and it's never quiet. He lets out an aggravated sigh and runs his fingers through his hair.

He hates the mini parties but he doesn't have the heart to say no to Yamaguchi whenever he asks if it's okay to invite their friends over. 

(Sometimes he can't really say no because Yachi is behind him and just staring at Kei, waiting for his answer. Kei doesn't want to admit it but Yachi kind of scares him.)

There's a knock on his door and Kei takes a deep breath before he turns around to open the door.

And Yamaguchi is there, in front of his door, cheeks red and looking a little sleepy.

"Hey." Yamaguchi murmurs, giving him a small smile. "Wanna join us? Hinata came over and brought beer, said it would go great with the pizza and chips. And he just finished a test so, he's celebrating."

He wants to say no, wants to say he has to study for a test he's not having, wants to tell Yamaguchi to stop drinking, wants to say a million little excuses but Yamaguchi is smiling at him unguarded for the first time since he lost his memory and like this, Kei can tell himself Yamaguchi is who he used to be, memories intact.

"Sure." He manages to say, voice softer than it has ever been and he feels a bit of his tension unwind. Yamaguchi blinks at him, looking a little confused but quickly shakes it off, grabbing Kei's wrist like it's most natural thing and pulling him out to the noisy living room. 

Kei doesn't drink any alcohol. He keeps Yamaguchi from taking in anymore than he already has but Yamaguchi has always been a lightweight regardless of memory loss and whatever he has drunk is enough so it doesn't take long before Kei finds the brunette asleep next to him, using Kei's shoulder as his pillow.

 

* * *

 

"Mrghghh." Yachi groans out when the sound of Kageyama's retching reaches the living room. Beside her, Hinata turns green.

"If you puke on the floor, I'm going to make you clean it up." He tells Hinata while handing Yamaguchi a glass of water. Hinata makes a sound of protest but slumps back against the foot of the couch. "Thanks for coming over to help, Kiyoko-san." He says as the older brunette comes over with two more glasses of water.

"Yachi texted me about it last night. I figured you would need help." She says in way of explanation before nodding at Kei, fingers brushing away at the blonde strands of hair plastered against Yachi's cheek. She frowns worriedly when Yamaguchi makes a pained noise from his place slumped on the kitchen counter. "Is it alright for him to get drunk like this?" 

Kei looks at the lump of groaning brunette on the kitchen counter and snorts. "It's fine. He only had two cans and I banned him after that. He's just bad at it." Then he reaches out a hand to smooth the cowlick sticking out but freezes before he can do anything, jerking his hand back like the air around Yamaguchi is burning. He swallows, turns back to Kiyoko and says, "Besides it's not like there's any more memories for him to forget."

He means it as a joke but he doesn't expect the sudden sting in his eyes. He sees Kiyoko's worried expression directed at him before he turns around, blinking the tears away because he will not cry. He definitely will not cry when he has four hungover people to worry about in his apartment.

 

* * *

 

If there's one think Kei is thankful for Hinata, it's that he manages to give Kei a reason to ban drunken gatherings at his and Yamaguchi's place. 

The aftermath of Hinata's so called celebration was terrible and Kei doesn't want to think about it because of the indignity his couch has suffered. Plus Kei doesn't know why Kageyama came out of the bathroom pants-less when he was only vomiting in the bathroom in the first place.

But those were prime examples of Bad Decisions and Kei had used them as leverage to ban Hinata from commandeering a 'celebration' in their place ever and point out that giving Yamaguchi alcohol when he had only been recently released from the hospital (a "Don't you morons ever think?" directed at Hinata) was definitely not alright.

Yamaguchi had tried to come to Hinata's defense but he had groaned and curled back up into a ball when the light was too much for his eyes so that didn't really strengthen their case.

In the end even Yachi agrees that maybe the other night shouldn't have happened and that alcohol was a big "not to bring" in any other future visits. Kei calls that a win.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i actually have no idea when you should drink alcohol again if you've been hospitalized because i am disgustingly healthy kid and have never been hospitalized for anything. i've been told they shouldn't though so i've reflected the disapproval in this fic. sort of. maybe. idk. i'm not a doctor or your parent, please drink responsibly. 
> 
> also there's always the ongoing "spot my other ships" in this fic


	4. you and i, we're no longer two sides of the same coin

 Sometimes Tadashi doesn't sleep.

He knows every little almost there crack on his ceiling, has counted three thousand sheeps, has listened to the world wake up, slowly with the rumble of morning trucks picking up trash, the distant chirps of birds, that almost ethereal whisper as the sunlight filters into his room.

Yachi comments that he looks tired one time, asks if he's alright and he tells her it's nothing serious. She looks at him with worry and Tadashi wants to tell her about his sudden insomnia, about the why. She would understand, she would tell him it's normal. She would hold his hand and give him one of her smiles, she would say the right thing and it would calm his anxieties.

He's close to telling her when she asks again if anything's wrong but he doesn't go through with it, his fears a vice around his throat and he can't say any of it.

He doesn't get any peace that night, replaying the scene of him and Yachi in his head. His mind works on overtime to churn out one awful possibility after another and even when he tells himself it's wrong, it's unlikely, it's not how Yachi would react, she's a _good_ person, a voice whispers to him, _how would you know, you don't really know her_.

He learns to live with it, tired of fighting. Sometimes he doesn't sleep but sometimes he does and he takes those times as he can get them.

Sometimes it's actual sleep on his bed, from night until morning, dreamless and comforting. Other times it's naps on the couch during random periods of the day, it's not like he has anything going on that needs him awake. He's even taken to sleeping even when the others are over visiting, he just nods off and no one seems to be offended about it, like they're all just studiously avoiding it and letting Tadashi do what he has to.

He lives with the insomnia and the barrage of questions that come with it during the silent hours of night.

 

* * *

 

One night, Tadashi finds himself looking inside their fridge, the cool air kissing his skin and drying his eyes out, lost in thought he can't quite decipher. The soft mechanical whir of the fridge is an unbroken rhythm until he hears his name from behind him.

He slams the fridge door close and whirls around, heart pounding. There's no light open but he sees Tsukishima's silhouette, rubbing at an eye before setting his glasses back on.

"What are you doing up?" Tsukishima asks and Tadashi doesn't want Tsukishima to know that he's been staring at their fridge for _hours_ now so he makes up an excuse that he wanted warm milk.

Tsukishima looks at him like he's some odd creature but doesn't comment, just heads over to the cabinet where they keep their glasses and takes one. He fills it with water and drinks, eyeing Tadashi over the rim.

Tadashi acts nonchalantly like he didn't just spend hours silently asking the contents of their fridge the meaning of life, more specifically the meaning of  _his_ life. He gets himself a mug and opens the fridge again, bathing their little kitchen in a soft light.

There's a soft clink as Tsukishima puts the glass in the sink. He walks over and stands behind Tadashi, close enough that the heat he emanates is a stark contrast to the air the fridge is blasting on his front. It's quiet, the sound of their breathing not in sync at all as Tadashi exhales in the middle of Tsukishima's inhale.

"We don't have milk." Tsukishima suddenly says. Tadashi has to blink, actually looking at the contents of the fridge this time and yes, there is no milk to be found.

"Oh." Tadashi coughs. "I see that now."

"Since two days ago." Tsukishima continues and Tadashi somehow knows that Tsukishima knows he's lying. Tadashi steels himself for the inevitable questions, he doesn't know how he'll answer them, if he'll even have answers but it's almost four in the morning and Tsukishima is just right behind him, so close and for once, Tadashi is too tired to rebuff anything.

"Get some sleep." Tsukishima says instead of the questions Tadashi is expecting. Tsukishima steps back before he moves to close the fridge's door. Tadashi turns around to face him but his eyes haven't adjusted to the dark enough to figure out Tsukishima's expression.

He doesn't get the chance because Tsukishima leaves him there and goes back to his room.

Tadashi pads back to his room, lies down on his bed and thinks of Tsukishima's last words to him. And he finally goes to sleep.

(When he wakes up late that morning, feeling refreshed, the question of why he slept so soundly after Tsukishima told him to is just another one he adds to the hundreds of other questions that will keep him up at night later.) 

 

* * *

 

"Are you guys coming back to Miyagi during the break?" Hinata asks a month before the university's break comes around.

Tadashi freezes but no one seems to have noticed because everyone goes on to answer him. When everyone from Yachi to Daichi-san has answered, Hinata turns to him, waiting for his answer. 

"Yes." He wants to say but his throat closes up and he can't. His hands feel clammy as his nervousness spikes. If he doesn't answer Hinata now, they'll all realize something is up and then they'll ask questions Tadashi doesn't want to answer.

"We are." Tsukishima answers for him and Hinata only blinks, eyes Tadashi for a moment before he shrugs and nods at Tsukishima.

"Cool! Everyone's going back then. We should visit the school and check on Ukai-san and Takeda-sensei!" Hinata says but then falters when he seemingly remembers that it's not something to be discussed around Tadashi. 

"It's okay." Tadashi tells him, making a 'go on' gesture to reassure Hinata. Hinata takes that as encouragement and begins to talk about plans about having a party when they get back to Miyagi, to invite everyone, find a venue big enough, what food to order. Everyone gets involved and they all look excited.

Tadashi is glad no one is looking at him right now because it's not okay, the thought of going back to Miyagi makes him feel cold, makes him grit his teeth as if steeling himself for something terrible, but Tadashi has to make it okay because he's going back to Miyagi in a month and everyone thinks he's okay with it.

 

* * *

* * *

 

Kei watches as Yamaguchi crosses another day off the calendar stuck on their fridge door, a habit he's formed since what they call The Memory Loss, capitalized and grave. 

 

"We're going back to Miyagi in three weeks." Kei reminds him, not missing the frown that flashes on Yamaguchi's face. He waits one, two, three beats. "You don't want to go?"

Yamaguchi startles at the question, pen clattering to the floor. When he turns to face Kei, he looks guilty.

"I don't. I mean, I want to go. I just." Yamaguchi half shrugs and Kei waits a moment before he realizes Yamaguchi won't say anymore.

It's something he's noticed. Yamaguchi doesn't want to go back to Miyagi. At first, Kei had chalked it up to Yamaguchi not wanting to travel but the closer the date to go back comes, the more Yamaguchi ignores the topic. It's something even Yachi has stopped bringing up because Yamaguchi clams up in a way that's reminiscent of the first few days after his accident. 

"What?" Kei presses even though he knows better. He only stares at Yamaguchi when the brunette presses his lips together, expression sullen and glaring, like he wants Kei to drop the subject. Actually Kei knows Yamaguchi wants him to drop the subject. After all, Yamaguchi did not have a monopoly on being able to read expressions, Kei knows Yamaguchi's expressions as much as the old Yamaguchi knew his, even now when Kei doesn't really know him.

"Nothing. I'm just not really," Yamaguchi stares at his hands like they have the answers but they won't tell him. "I don't know. I want to go back to Miyagi." He says it like he's trying to convince someone, a little desperate, a little unsure. Kei isn't sure who Yamaguchi's trying to convince but he has a sneaking suspicion it's not him.  

"You don't sound sure." Kei comments and he feels guilty when Yamaguchi inhales sharply. "It's just Miyagi. We go back during breaks all the time."

Yamaguchi looks at him like he's surprised but also horrified and Kei wants to apologize. He doesn't though, just stares at Yamaguchi, waiting him out. 

"I don't want to talk about it." Yamaguchi bites out, avoiding Kei's gaze as he storms to his room, pen forgotten on the floor, the slam of Yamaguchi's door vibrating through him.

He stands up from the couch, pads over to the pen and picks it up, replacing the cap back on. He feels like a dick for pushing Yamaguchi. He wishes he could excuse himself, that he forgot himself, forgot to hold back, forgot to be careful but he hasn't forgotten, he knows exactly that this is the new Yamaguchi, knows that there's no years of bond to cushion his invasive prodding. It's exactly because he hasn't forgotten that he didn't want to stop.

He wants to hate this new Yamaguchi who's closer to Yachi and Hinata than he is to Kei even when they live under one roof. He wants to hate the stupid little quirks this new Yamaguchi has that the old one doesn't have. He wants to hate this new Yamaguchi who doesn't remember him, who calls him Tsukishima.

(But he can't. He can't hate this new Yamaguchi because it's still Yamaguchi.)

 

* * *

Kei is terrible at apologizing but Yamaguchi has been ignoring him for three days now and he doesn't know what else to do.

(When he tells Yachi about it she sighs and tells him that apologizing should've been the first thing he did after his prodding. He doesn't dwell on the wisdom of her advice.)

He thinks back to times when he apologized to anyone and there's a lack of reference in his memories. And when it comes to apologizing to Yamaguchi there's less words and more soggy french fries involved, a befuddled looking Yamaguchi before he smiles and all is forgiven.

So that's what Kei does. He goes to their favorite fast food place and orders fries. He takes his time going back to their apartment so that by the time he arrives the fries have been steamed inside the paperbag, each fry limp and soggy.

He knocks on Yamaguchi's door and it takes a few moments of silence before he even hears movement from inside. When the door opens, it's to an expressionless Yamaguchi. It's so unlike Yamaguchi that Kei falters with his apology but he repeats it, unnerved.

Yamaguchi takes the paperbag, still eyeing Kei like he's grown another head but he looks less angry around his eyes. Yamaguchi opens the paperbag and instead of how Kei imagined it going, Yamaguchi frowns at the contents of the paperbag.

"What," He says as he reaches in and pulls out a sad looking fry. "Is this?" The look on Yamaguchi's face is incredulous before it turns hard. "Is this your idea of a joke?" He says, tone sharp as his hands curl around the paperbag, crumpling it. 

"No." Kei doesn't know why this makes him feel like panic is wrapping around his throat. It's something so minor, this Yamaguchi not happy about soggy french fries, but it feels heavy in his chest. "It's not a joke."

"Then what?" 

"Soggy french fries were your favorite." He manages to choke out and he's a little proud that his voice doesn't sound hoarse or broken.

Yamaguchi loses his scowl, replaced by surprise. "Oh." He looks inside the paperbag like he can't believe that he actually preferred his fries looking smushy. When he looks back up, he has a sheepish expression on. "I don't think they're my favorite anymore. Sorry, Tsukishima."

Kei feels like the ground has tilted sideways, a low buzzing echoing in his ears. "It's fine." He hears himself say. "It doesn't matter." He feels hollow as he reaches for the paperbag. "I just wanted to apologize." He finally said it but it feels all wrong, he doesn't know what he's apologizing for anymore. 

"It's a nice thought." Yamaguchi tells him. He doesn't look angry anymore and Kei should've been relieved but he's not. He feels cold. When Yamaguchi asks if he's okay, he replies that he is but he knows he's not. 

He doesn't even know why Yamaguchi liked soggy french fries in the first place, had been disgusted by it when he first found out but somehow knowing that this new Yamaguchi doesn't like them is like a horrible realization dawning on him. 

He tries a fry when he's safely in his room. It's gross and oily like he expects, it's only natural that Yamaguchi doesn't like them. 

(Somehow it's still not okay though. It's all wrong.)

He doesn't want to eat the remaining fries but he can't bear to throw them away either.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whooops dual pov in this chapter this time. told you i can't always keep the one chapter one pov thing. i could've cut this into two chapters but they seem to work better in one chapter so there you go. 
> 
> i don't know if what i'm making yama have is still clinical insomnia but it's something i had before. it doesn't always keep you awake, sometimes you get some sleep but sometimes you don't and i always just attributed it to stress (from school) so i figured having anxieties from memory loss could manifest like this. also staring at fridges for the meaning of life? 7/10 will recommend when desperate.


	5. you said i like you but

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here's a chapter to welcome you people to my christmas break!! 
> 
> idk if that'll make me more productive or not but i definitely will find some time to work on this although my attention's being overtaken by dragon age. but fear not the tsukiyama bug won't be easily beaten!
> 
> im slightly tipsy from a celebration so i can't guarantee no mistakes because i tried reading through it but i just got dizzy so if there are any glaring typos or grammar mistakes please feel free to point it out so i can fix it! i just really wanted to get this out now as a sort of gift for readers, i'll most likely read through it later when im not feeling like i'll topple over!

When Tadashi first felt his budding feelings for Yachi, he hadn't expected his confession to slip out accidentally. He hadn't been planning on telling Yachi anything until he's more...stable, less like a leaf floating on a river letting the currents pull him along. 

But he spends so much time with her that she feels like a part of him. He can tell her almost anything and she always seems to know what to say. So when they decide to go out one windy day, Yachi bringing him to fun places near their university, Tadashi had known he was in love.

And in the middle of eating warm crepes he blurts out "I like you" to her and then proceeds to choke on a bite of crepe when he realizes what he said.

Yachi squeaks and goes into a mini panic (Tadashi's not sure if it's from his confession or his current choking situation) but manages to help out, patting at his back as he coughs. She hands him a glass of water once his hacking subsides and her hand is gentle on his back, drawing circles, comforting.

"Are you alright?"

Tadashi coughs one more time before nodding. "S-Sorry. I just." He makes a jerky motion with his hand. "What I said."

"Oh. Um." Yachi draws back her hand and it already feels like a rejection. Tadashi wants to take back his words, wishes they were concrete so he can grab them and stuff them back in his mouth, swallow them and never let them out again because Yachi is giving him a look that's a cross between uncertain and pity. "Yamaguchi-kun..." 

"I'm sorry. This isn't how I wanted to tell you. I wanted to be..." Tadashi shrugs then gestures to himself. "You know, more of myself." He bites his lower lip then huffs out a laugh. "Actually I don't even know what that means." It's one of the things Tadashi worries about but never tells anyone because he doesn't know how to say it. Except now he's told Yachi and she's doesn't look at him like she's judging him but her current expression isn't really all that better.

"Yamaguchi-kun." Yachi wrings her hands, looking troubled and Yamaguchi's stomach drops. "This isn't..."

"I'm serious." He cuts in. "I really am. I think you're great and you make me feel like everything's going to be alright. And." He breathes in for courage. "When you smile, I want to smile too."

None of his words make Yachi smile, in fact she looks even more like she's going to throw up and Tadashi wonders if he's read everything wrong. If she actually doesn't like him, if she's taking care of him because of some obligation she has from before he can remember. If she's spending her time on him unwillingly. If she's just great at acting.

"I'm sorry for saying all that." He blurts out, the apology like nails dragging at his throat; he feels his shoulders hunching, muscles locking. "I think I should go."

"W-Wait!" Yachi calls out as he walks away. She runs after him, grabbing at his arm. "Wait no, Yamaguchi-kun!. I'm not. You can't. We can't." None of her sentences are complete and she shifts from one to another, unable to clearly say anything but she looks so desperate that Tadashi doesn't shake her hold off.

He doesn't really understand what she's saying, her words too quick, tripping over each other in their haste to keep him there with her.  He wants to go back to the apartment and lock himself in his room but this is Yachi, he tells himself, she would have a good reason. So he stays to listen to her explanation.

Yachi leads him to a park near his apartment, over to a bench where they sit down. Yachi is quiet, seemingly even smaller than her stature, but she doesn't let go of Tadashi's hand as she calms herself down and think of her words.  It takes a while before she talks, there's a heavy silence between them and it feels like a noose around Tadashi that he's willingly put on.

"Yamaguchi-kun," She starts, squeezing his hand she's holding in both of hers. "I need you to know that I'm not...re-rejecting you because I don't like you. I like you Yamaguchi-kun. I really do. But not like you're thinking now. You're perfectly great and anyone would be lucky to have you. But not--" 

"Not you." He says, sighing defeatedly. He had been expecting a better reason from her not this. "This is like an 'it's not you, it's me' thing, isn't it?" 

"It's not!" Yachi huffs, looking angry this time and she tugs at his hand. "Listen. I like someone else. Even before all this. We're...um. To-to..." She falters and blushes then takes a steadying breath. "We're together. That's why we can't be, Yamaguchi-kun." 

"Oh." Well he did want another reason, figures he'd get one but it only makes him feel shittier. Tadashi rubs at his eye, smiles but he doesn't know if he does it successfully. "So I never had a chance, huh? Even before all this."

Yachi's shoulders slump, she grips his hand tighter again. "You never wanted one before, Yamaguchi-kun."

He doesn't understand what she means by that so he asks. 

"We were friends before. Really good friends but that's all we were. Are." Yachi explains. "You never liked me like that, Yamaguchi-kun." 

"Why not?" He doesn't understand why his old self wouldn't fall for Yachi because Yachi is great and easy to fall for.

Yachi blanches, she stammers and scratches at her cheek with a finger. "Well. Um. You already liked someone." She says hesitantly, like she's not sure she should tell him and Tadashi takes a while before it processes.

He liked someone before losing his memories. He had forgotten someone he liked, someone who might've liked him back. He doesn't remember anything about this unnamed person, doesn't even remember the existence of his feelings for this person and now he had fallen for someone else. He feels guilty, like he betrayed someone. But they haven't said anything to him so maybe those feelings were unrequited too. 

His first question, unsurprisingly, is: "Who?"

"I can't say." When Tadashi opens his mouth to question further, Yachi cuts him off. "I promised I wouldn't. I'm sorry Yamaguchi-kun. I really am but I already promised."

"But it's from my past. What if I can remember it if you tell me?"

"Do you really believe that, Yamaguchi-kun?" Yachi looks straight into his eyes, looking so very serious that Tadashi can't lie to her.

"No."

Yachi smiles grimly at him.

 

* * *

 

When Yachi drops him off at the apartment, Tadashi calls out to her, "Who's the person you like?" and she startles, almost tripping. She flails around as she turns red, covering her face and peeking between her fingers at Tadashi.

Tadashi thinks she's cute and feels a pang of loss but the memory of their talk eases the pain of rejection enough that Tadashi only feels resigned.

Yachi mutters something Tadashi doesn't catch before she says in a barely there voice, "It's Kiyoko-san." And she's off, hands on her cheeks and ears stained red, calling him "idiot" in a really squeaky voice.

Tadashi blinks, thinks of the Kiyoko-san he's met and then he thinks of Yachi, then he thinks of the times he's seen them together and he gets a moment of epiphany.

"Oh." He leans against the door, his brain putting puzzle pieces together to form a picture he's missed because he doesn't know better.

Suddenly, the door opens and Tadashi is squawking as he stumbles into Tsukishima, who's looking at him with a raised eyebrow.

"Was that Yachi I heard?"

"Yeah." Tadashi sighs and Tsukishima pushes him away from his chest but keeps a hand around his arm until Tadashi steady on his feet.

"She called you an idiot?"

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"I asked who she liked."

" _Why?_ "

Tadashi looks at Tsukishima whose brows have furrowed like he's troubled. He closes the door to the apartment and turns the lock. "I confessed but she told me she liked someone else." He says as he takes off his shoes. "She said they were together." 

He doesn't tell Tsukishima about the other reason though, for some reason he doesn't want Tsukishima to know that he knows about liking someone before he lost his memories, especially when he doesn't know who it is.

"Last year. They've been together since last year." Tsukishima comments, voice sounding kind of distracted. "You said you confessed? To Yachi?"

"No, I confessed to a crepe." Tadashi rolls his eyes. "Yeah, of course, I confessed to Yachi." 

"You like Yachi."

Tadashi continues to the living room and drops down on the couch, laying an arm across his eyes. "I do." When Tsukishima doesn't say anything, Tadashi takes a peek at him. Tsukishima looks as if he's been suckered punched in the gut and Tadashi doesn't understand why. "What's wrong, Tsukishima?"

"You like Yachi." He repeats and Tadashi quirks a brow.

"I already said that. Why do you sound like you can't believe it?" Tadashi sighs exaggeratedly and rubs the back of his neck. "She turned me down though. What do people do when they're rejected? Get drunk? Listen to sad songs? Eat ice cream?"

"Of course, she did."

Tadashi doesn't believe he heard Tsukishima right. The blonde couldn't be that much of a jerk. So he says, "What?", hoping to clarify things.

Tsukishima scowls at him and snaps, "Of course she turned you down."

And clearly, Tsukishima _is_ that much of a jerk.

"Oh my god. Why are you such a dick?" Tadashi grits out, glaring at Tsukishima who looks like he ate something disgusting while he looks back at Tadashi. "Aren't we supposed to be friends? I might have lost my memory but I'm pretty sure friends don't act like a big shit when their friend gets rejected. Sometimes, I swear I don't know how we're even friends."

Tsukishima opens his mouth to refute in the middle of Tadashi's little rant but snaps it back close at the last sentence without saying anything. He glowers, looks at Tadashi like he's been betrayed and everything he's believed in was wrong. Tadashi feels lost. He wants to be angry at Tsukishima but something about the blonde's expression is all wrong. Tadashi doesn't know what or if it's just his mind playing tricks on him but Tsukishima looks like he's close to breaking and he's shutting away everything so the broken shards of his world shattering doesn't cut into him.

(Tadashi feels an odd sensation, the look on Tsukishima is familiar somehow but he doesn't know from where or when or even why. It's unsettling like realizing you've lost something you didn't know about, like needing to care about something you don't remember.)

He narrows his eyes, uncertain. He doesn't know what that expression is about but he feels a sudden overwhelming urge to reach out to Tsukishima.  "Tsukishima, what--" 

Then the expression is gone, turning cold and hard, he murmurs something Tadashi doesn't hear but it sounds suspiciously like "pathetic". 

"It's nothing. I'm not going to eat dinner. I have to study." 

And the conversation ends there, abrupt and unsatisfying as Tsukishima heads back to his room. Tadashi curses and slumps back into the couch, simmering with the unfair feeling of wanting to apologize.


	6. this is not a good way to cope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> despite not having a set date for updates, i actually already finished this a week ago but i haven't gone through it for errors and then a family thing occurred that took up all of my time and i wasn't able to go online until now. it's not really any happier than the previous chapter so i apologize for that (but i also like your tears so please feed them to me). i'm trying to work on a nice crack one for a holiday present but i'm not sure if i can really spend my holidays writing but i'll try my best!
> 
> i hope this is all to your liking!

 

Kei ignores everyone since that night after Yamaguchi confessed to Yachi. He uses the excuse that he has an important exam coming up and the only reason Yachi hasn't cornered him yet is because really does have one coming up. 

He doesn't need to study as much as he purports though but he spends his days at the library and his nights locked up in his room. And even when he takes his exam, confident that he'll pass, he doesn't tell anyone about it.

So he's surprised when Yamaguchi confronts him three days after his exam.

"I'm busy." He says automatically and tries to side-step around Yamaguchi but the brunette just moves in front of him, face set in determination.

"Bullshit. Your exam finished three days ago."

"How did you know?"

"Yachi told me."

"How did _she_ know?" 

"That doesn't matter. You're avoiding us."

"I'm not." He defends but it sounds like a lie even to him. So he changes tactics. "Why do you care?"

Yamaguchi growls and gets in his face. "Look, you were a dick that night." He doesn't even have to elaborate on what night he's talking about because they both know; they both know that they both know. "But I was too, okay?" Yamaguchi sighs, folding into himself, his arms crossing around his midsection. "Sorry, Tsukishima."

He hates that name. It never sat right whenever Yamaguchi says it but he can't do anything about it but grit his teeth.

"Why do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Frown. Whenever I apologize you frown like I did something wrong. " 

For a moment, Kei wants to brush him off, deny that he frowns like Yamaguchi says but in the end, he doesn't. "You didn't."

"So why, then?"

"It's nothing you need to know." Kei tells him, feeling tired. "It's not your fault. Don't worry about it, okay?"

Yamaguchi looks like he wants to argue but whatever he sees when he looks at Kei stops him.

"Sorry for avoiding you." He says, closing his eyes in weariness. "And for what I said that night too."

"Tsukishima..."

He doesn't want to hear that name right now. Definitely not from Yamaguchi. So he pinches the bridge of his nose and tells Yamaguchi that he's tired. It's true, too, so it's not like he's even faking his tone. 

"I'll see you guys tomorrow. Tell Yachi that too. "

 

* * *

He's back to not avoiding people after that, mostly because Yamaguchi actually did tell Yachi that he would see her the next day and Yachi had taken that as a signal that they should go hang out together. Like friends. Because Yachi is nothing if not persistent on making things not awkward.

(Kei's way past awkward now though. Awkward isn't good enough to describe the stabbing feeling in his gut whenever he looks at Yamaguchi  who looks  at Yachi like she's the best thing even though he's technically been rejected.)

Yachi tried to talk to him about it but he shut her down the first time, something about the way he did it  makes her back off without protest and it's times like this that Kei realizes just how far he and Yachi have come as friends.

He and Yachi haven't always been friends exactly; Yamaguchi had once confided in him that Yachi used to find him intimidating, what with his height and wit as per Yamaguchi's words (Hinata had overheard that and corrected Yamaguchi with "It's because he has a terrible personality! That's why Yachi's so nervous around him."). It's a little ironic that now he sometimes finds Yachi intimidating despite her tiny stature.

Still, outside his family and Yamaguchi (the old one), it's probably Yachi who knows him best. It's probably why even when Yamaguchi's fooled by reassurances that he's fine, he's just tired from school, Yachi still shoots him worried looks. She stares at him like she really wants to say something but she never does and whenever Kei catches that particular curbed expression, he blinks once, slowly and deliberately, like a nod of thanks.

Yachi sticks to nonverbal comforting while playing it cool. (She can't play it cool. She's a terrible liar. But her earnest awkward play at nonchalance is endearing. ) 

She drops by his last class or during his breaks and invites him out to treat him. Usually it's to strawberry cake because she knows his preferences and while she's a terrible liar, Yachi's great at giving incentive to get what she wants.

She pointedly tries to skirt the issue she actually wants to talk about and Kei suffers through it because free strawberry cake and Yachi's heart is in the right place. As long as he doesn't actually have to talk about his problems -not that he's willing to admit he has any-  he's  _fine_.

It's fine that Yamaguchi has forgotten him, forgotten  _them_ . Forgotten that declaration that he'd definitely be right next to Kei no matter what. Forgotten that he'd been in love with Kei (and Kei had been in love with him). 

It had been easy to ignore it before, to pin their hopes on Yamaguchi's eventual recovery of his memory but the more the days pass into months with Yamaguchi not even showing any signs of remembering, the more Kei realizes that whatever they had is gone.

And it could stay gone. Forever.

It's a likely scenario with how Yamaguchi is proceeding. Everyone seems to be adjusting to the new Yamaguchi, making new memories instead of waiting for the old ones to come back. And maybe that's the healthy way to deal with it, the right way but Kei can't do it.

He looks at Yamaguchi and there's too much of the past there to ignore.

He can't start over on a clean slate because his stupid metaphorical slate isn't clean at all. It's filled with the metaphorical doodles and phrases that represent their memories, their friendship, their relationship, their ups and downs, their fights and reconciliations. He tries to erase them but it's like realizing that they're carved into the surface and when he tries to write over them, the chalk buries into the grooves, reminding him of what they used to have. 

What he can't have now.

 

* * *

 

Kei has a nightmare.

It's persistent. And it's not so much a dream he can forg e t than a what-if thought that's mutating out of control. 

It starts out with the realization that Yamaguchi could stay like this forever, without his old memories, building a whole new life. It doesn't even sound crazy so Kei can't just dismiss it because it's easy to see how it's already coming true.

The glaring evidence is Yamaguchi's feelings for Yachi but it's not the thought of Yachi and Yamaguchi together that has Kei feel like dry heaving, lungs caving in. It's that Yamaguchi had fallen in love with someone else, that Yamaguchi  _could_ fall in love with someone else. 

And it's only a matter of time before Yamaguchi meets someone new and unattached, who doesn't know his past, who doesn't care if he doesn't remember his past and will return his feelings.

The thought makes him feel like his world is made of glass and balanced  precariously on an uneven stand.

But that's not the nig ht mare.

The nightmare comes when he questions himself on swallowing his pride or fear or whatever it is that's holding him back from spilling his guts to Yamaguchi. He thinks about telling Yamaguchi everything he'd held back.

But Yamaguchi wouldn't care, wouldn't want it because he doesn't understand, doesn't feel the same way the old Yamaguchi had.

Then where would that leave Kei?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> p.s. omg i broke thru 10k words !!


	7. it's enough for now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow i'm so sorry this update took long, i'll be honest and admit i lost the muse for it after the last chapter and just couldn't feel satisfied with anything i've written in between this and the last chapter (this thing went through so much rewriting). but i definitely didn't want to drop this because i do love the amnesia trope and i'm determined to get to the end of this thing.

 

 

 

Tadashi has taken to looking at the calendar filled with red cross marks with dread. It's one week before the circled date and even he can't deny the fact that he actually doesn't want to go back to Miyagi.  One week left and he can finally be honest with himself, admit he's scared of going back.

Miyagi feels like a place he's stealing from the old Tadashi. It doesn't belong to him even if everyone thinks it does. And he's just so terrified that it'll just make it glaringly obvious that he doesn't belong and he'll disappoint everyone.

He doesn't want that, not when everything seems to be fitting in just fine. He knows his past from everybody else's stories, he's not someone who doesn't have an identity but at the same time it doesn't define him in the way people's past normally define them. He remembers the events but he doesn't remember how they  _felt,_ so it doesn't shape him. It's a weird thing, when he thinks about it, but that's how it is.

But this stability he's built of his life is like a house of cards and it could easily come tumbling down.

And going back to Miyagi could be that gust of wind that blows it over.

 

* * *

 

They take a train then a bus to their area in Miyagi. It's not earth shattering like Tadashi expects it to with all his previous worrying. He gets to Karasuno and it's much like that first time after the accident when he goes to that convenience store five blocks away from his and Tsukishima's place. 

The place is undoubtedly unfamiliar but it isn't unusual.

His parents meet him and Tsukishima at the bus stop and there's a burst of greetings. His mother hugs him and kisses his cheek, Tadashi lets her, feeling that clashing feeling of warmth and uneasiness inside him and pushing it down. Tsukishima dips his head as he greets Tadashi's parents and there's a few moments of trivial conversation before Tsukishima tells them that he should be getting home now.

Tadashi hadn't quite realized that he'd be alone with his parents until that moment so he freezes.

As difficult as Tsukishima could be sometimes, he's  _familiar_. Ever since the accident, it's been Tsukishima and Yachi around him, hovering comfortingly. Yachi would be over at their place every chance she could and when she couldn't, Tsukishima would always be there.

But not in Karasuno, Tadashi thinks.

It's a crazy thought. Of course Tsukishima will be in Karasuno, likely just a walking distance away from wherever Tadashi's house is. It's not the same though. The people who will be around Tadashi now are— he blanches,  _strangers_ . He thinks of them as strangers. His own parents. Parents who love him and cared for him for so many years. Parents who are only worried about him and are likely happy to see their son. Parents who Tadashi should feel safest with. Except he doesn't. He doesn't and he doesn't know where the sudden panic comes from— because he's losing a familiar face around him or because he thinks of his parents as strangers still— but he feels a desperation that's been building up from weeks prior and he blurts out, "Would you like to have dinner with us?" 

Tsukishima pauses at adjusting the strap of his duffel on his shoulder and blinks at Tadashi. There's a prolonged moment of silence that Tadashi can't quite decide if it's awkward or not before his mother titters.

"What are you saying, Tadashi? We can't keep Tsukishima-kun." She smiles then pats Tsukishima's shoulder. "I'm sure your parents are excited to see you."

But Tsukishima isn't looking at her, those eyes are focused on him, sharp behind the lenses of his glasses, considering, dissecting him and his little slip. Tadashi swallows, heart racing in his chest, like it's bursting under Tsukishima's piercing gaze.

When he looks away, looks to Tadashi's mother and offers her reassurances that his parents won't mind as long as it's not an inconvenience, Tadashi feels like he's caught the lifesaver in the midst of drowning. Tadashi's parents respond by reassuring Tsukishima that his presence isn't any inconvenience at all.

(Dimly, Tadashi wonders if Tsukishima's always been this polite and smooth because it feels odd.)

 

* * *

 

His house is nice.

It's a cozy, two-storey place, harmless, inviting actually, and shouldn't make his palms feel freezing and sweaty.

(It does though so he hides his hands in his pockets.)

"Why don't you and Tsukishima-kun wait in your room, Tadashi? I'll call you both down when dinner's done." His mother says as she heads towards what Tadashi assumes is the kitchen.

Tadashi nods, tells her 'sure' in a mumble and his father follows after her into whatever area his mother was heading towards. Then it's just him and Tsukishima in the hallway. He walks over to the stairs, trying to feel confident. In a house like this, bedrooms would logically be found upstairs and from there it shouldn't be too hard to find which one is his room.

So he takes the stairs, one step at a time, fingers gripping the handrail of the stairs. When he reaches the stop step, he eyes the closed doors lining the small hallway of the second floor. The panic from earlier is starting in again because, because—

He doesn't remember which door leads to his room.

It's such a small thing, understandable even, he has amnesia after all, but that feels like the earth shattering moment Tadashi had been waiting for. He doesn't remember his room, a place he's slept in for years and years before he'd gone to college, a place that's  _his_ , a part of him, where he grew up, a place that should've been as familiar to him as the back of his hand. He doesn't remember it.

Tadashi feels his legs trembling, knees almost giving before a hand is there on the small of his back, warm and somehow holding him steady in the rush of uncertainty.

"It's the second door to the right." Comes Tsukishima's voice, soft and brushing against the side of his neck.

It's not quite a reassurance and it doesn't change the fact that Tadashi hadn't known which was his room but it's enough to make him move, enough that his legs don't feel like snapping under him. It's enough for now.

(Tadashi almost laughs at the thought, he's been taking refuge in things that are enough for now that he worries what will happen when "enough for now" is no longer enough.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To all the people who reviewed the previous chapter and I hadn't responded to you:  
> First, I'm super sorry! I usually try to respond within a day or three because I appreciate all of you who take the time to tell me if you've enjoyed what I wrote or even to just tell me you want to read more(or anything really god I love you guys). But usually I forget to check if I have any new reviews here bc my email is a douche and won't sync to my phone and it'll take a long time before I remember to check. But know that when I do read your reviews, simple or long, that I treasure them and keep them close to my heart because I'm glad people are enjoying what I write.  
> Second, I can't tell you when it won't be sad anymore but rest assured, I'm a lover of happy endings and we will all get our happy endings.  
> Lastly, thank you so much for your continued support even between this chapter and the last despite the long time it took to get the update!
> 
> if you've got any questions or anything(i'm happy to chat with readers) i'm reachable at @_maminyan in twitter! also i'm always looking for songs to put on this fic's playlist to get me in the mood to writing so if you've got any recs since music's not my strong point i'd be happy to take them.


	8. older brothers know best

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiiii im so sorry for updating late i'm terrible at this multi-chapter thing. i really really am so you know. i just wanted to say thank you so much to everyone who commented, kudos'd or subscribed to the fic! i can't still believe so many people read my writing sometimes but it's such a lovely feeling.
> 
> also a special thanks to [niz](http://bokhuto.tumblr.com/) who's a sweetheart for being the beta for this chapter and basically the jolt i needed to actually write for this again!

Kei comes home to hugs and fussing from his mother. He lets her do it, even when all he can think of is going right back out the door and back to Yamaguchi's place.

"Mom, I think Kei's had enough you're going to scare him away." Akiteru's voice is laced with laughter. When his mother stops in her ministrations to shoot her older son a glare, Akiteru steps closer and pats him on the shoulder.

"Hey, long time no see." He grins but pauses when he really looks at Kei. Then the smile slips and Akiteru sounds more somber when he asks, "How's Tadashi-kun?"

"Getting better." Is all Kei manages to say before his mother moves onto that topic, telling them how she talked to Yamaguchi's parents and _what an awful thing to have happened to such a sweet boy_ and how _she's so proud of Kei for being such a wonderful friend_.

_Friend._ It's back to that now.

Kei's jaw clenches and he meets his older brother's eyes. He doesn't know if it's guilt or just the building despair at Yamaguchi's condition that makes him pull back from his mother. Before The Memory Loss, Kei and Yamaguchi had talked about telling their parents about their change in relationship when they came home for a school break.They'd both been nervous about it, but Yamaguchi had told Kei that their parents would be happy about it. Just like Akiteru had been when he found out.

Kei had snorted in response then, "He walked in on us kissing then he stared at us like a fish out of water."

Yamaguchi had given him a chiding look before grinning, "Yeah but after he got over the shock he was very nice about it."

Kei had rolled his eyes at Yamaguchi's optimism and the brunette had retaliated by pinching his nose hard before kissing him. It was a short one, over right after it started. They both dissolved into chuckles after but Kei had felt reassured, more confident about telling their parents.

Except now, there wouldn't be anything to tell their parents and with the way Yamaguchi's progressing there won't _ever_ be anything to say.

"I'm going to my room, I'm kind of tired. I already ate at Yamaguchi's place."

"Of course," his mother says, a gentle smile on her face. She cups his cheek one last time and looks at him- really looks at him and Kei feels like his mother knows more than she lets on. "Go get some rest Kei. Dad is coming home tomorrow, we'll have a big family dinner. I'll make all your favorites."

Kei wants to ask her if she knows but at the same time he doesn't. He hates the feeling of being trapped even though a part of him knows that isn't what his mother intends. He shoots a panicked glance at Akiteru and his brother is doing a fake pout and whining, "How come I don't get my favorite food made?"

The suffocating moment breaks and his mother chuckles, turning around to face Akiteru to scold him but her voice has a lightheartedness that makes the reprimand half-hearted at best. Kei uses that moment to flee.

 

* * *

 

 

The next day Kei wakes up to a text from Yachi asking him if he wants to go out with her and Yamaguchi. He stares at the screen, at the text and his hand clenches around his phone, fingers turning white as the edge digs into his skin.

_'No._ ' He types and his finger hovers over the send button but he stops. He deletes the short reply and types up a less terse, _'No thanks, I have things to do. Maybe next time.'_ He reads over it, again and again, hoping the tone it conveys is enough to fool Yachi.

He presses send then drops his phone on his bed before he sighs and runs his fingers through his hair, nails lightly scratching at his scalp.

Now to do nothing all day.

 

* * *

 

Dinner with his family is the same as usual. His mom is prattling on and on and his Dad tells them about his work. They both make sweet eyes at each other that the old Kei would always make retching sounds at (actually he would still make them now but he loves having his favorite food for dinner, thanks). Akiteru tells them about his own work and how he and Saeko are planning on vacationing overseas next year. Their mother asks him when the wedding will be because she wants to have grandchildren soon and their father jokes that Kei is too young to give them grandchildren so it's all up to Akiteru right now.

That makes Kei freeze up and the food clutched in his chopsticks falls back to his bowl of rice. The family quiets and their parents look at him with concern.

"Are you alright, Kei?" Their mother asks, reaching over to him but Kei flinches back.

"Are you going to miss me Kei if I get married?" Akiteru suddenly says.

"That's so cute of you! Remember when he stuck to me like glue? My cute little brother." His tone is exaggerated and joking but the worry in his eyes is there. Kei can't help but be grateful when the attention shifts back to Akiteru.

"Oh stop that Akiteru." Their mother laughs, swatting her older son and even their father chuckles, turning to pat Kei.

"Don't embarrass your brother like that. He's not little anymore."

"He'll always be the family's baby." Akiteru says and both their parents eventually agree. If it had been any other time, Kei would've been put out, scowling and silently glaring at his brother but right now all he does is mouth, 'thank you', and Akiteru gives an almost imperceptible nod as dinner continues.

 

* * *

 

Kei's on his bed reading when a knock comes from his door. He ignores it for a few seconds and Akiteru's head pops in.

"Generally, not answering means not to bother me." Kei says offhandedly, not looking away from his book.

"If I followed that we'd never interact." Akiteru comes in without any explicit invitation and closes the door behind him. At the silence that follows, he asks, "How are you?"

The quiet lasts long enough that Akiteru almost repeats the question but Kei answers before he can, voice flat and eyes still on that book he's reading.

"I'm fine." He says but Akiteru doesn't believe him.

"Are you?" Akiteru prods, stepping closer to his little brother. "You're acting weird and you didn't even go to Tadashi-kun's today."

Akiteru notices Kei's lips press into a tight line before it smooths out into something more impassive and that's the only time Kei turns to look at him. "I don't have to be with Yamaguchi all the time. Besides he went out with Yachi today."

He's sure Kei meant that as a dismissal and an explanation at why he spent majority of the day locked up in his room but Akiteru grew up with this kid and he knows when something is bothering Kei. And with the way Kei sounded with his answer, Akiteru knows that it has something to do with Tadashi.

"How is Tadashi-kun?" He asks as he takes a seat on Kei's bed. The younger Tsukishima shoots him a scowl and a glare but scoots away to give him space.

"I already told you he's getting better."

"Does he remember anything?"

Kei only shakes his head at that and goes back to his book.

"Did you tell him about...you know, you and him?"

"No."

Akiteru rubs at his neck, a little confused. "Why not?"

When Kei refuses to answer, Akiteru sighs and grabs the book in Kei's hands. Kei makes a growling noise and grudgingly faces him. Akiteru grabs the bookmark lying on Kei's bedside table and slips it in the pages before he puts it down.

"Why didn't you tell Tadashi-kun about you two?"

"How is it any of your business?" Kei shoots back sullenly.

"Because you're my brother and I'm worried about you." Akiteru says grimly. Kei has never liked confrontations but some things required them.

"You don't have to be. I'm fine." The younger grumbles.

"You're not clearly. Mom noticed it, she's just not saying anything."

"I wish you'd follow her example."

Akiteru rolls his eyes. "I would but if we left you completely alone you'd just retreat into your shell and never come out. Now why didn't you tell Tadashi-kun about your actual relationship?"

Kei glares at him before he sighs, shoulders slumping and a hand coming up to pinch at the bridge of his nose. "Because if I told him, then what? He doesn't remember anything anyway. Nothing is making him remember so why should this be any different. If I tell him and he freaks out about it or he ends up thinking he has to have that relationship with me, then what? He already thinks he's in love with Yachi. What do you think will happen if I just tell him? I don't want to force him into anything."

"So you want him to remember by himself?" When Kei only shrugs, Akiteru wants to hug him just like he used to when Kei was still little and depended on him a lot. They sit in silence that's not awkward but not completely comfortable either as Akiteru contemplates his brother's situation. "What will you do if he doesn't remember?" Akiteru asks quietly.

"I don't know."

"Tell him."

Kei looks at him, kind-of hopeful but mostly wary and frustrated. "I can't. I told you why."

Akiteru understands Kei's fears of course, maybe not exactly but he knows how Kei walls himself up to avoid feelings from overwhelming him. He'd been like that before with Akiteru too but Tadashi had been there to help him along so now maybe it was his turn to help Kei when it came to Tadashi.

"You don't have to do it now or even tomorrow but before you give up, you should tell him." Akiteru stands from Kei's bed and grabs his brother's book, handing it back to Kei before ruffling his hair. "If it's something you love, you don't just walk away from it."

Kei hadn't walked away from volleyball before, Akiteru's reasonably certain Kei wouldn't just walk away from Tadashi. He just needs a little push.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i moved twitters so if you need to talk to me or anything feel free @_ureshiima


	9. there's a me that's part of you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> /pushes thru cobwebs/ i'm not dead, really. i uh....just...really bad at keeping a deadline. /nervous laughter/ i really don't want to keep you from the chapter any longer so the notes are down below.

It's been three days since Tadashi last saw Tsukishima.

"He's avoiding us." Yachi frowns at her phone, presumably reading Tsukishima's reply to their invitation to hang out. It's most likely a 'no' again since Yachi is now furiously typing something on her phone.

"Maybe he's just resting? Or busy?" Tadashi offers even though there's an anxiety in him building up. Tadashi hadn't seen him since that dinner at his place and he wonders if he had done something wrong. Tsukishima can be rather tight-lipped about his issues, Tadashi has noticed.

"Don't you think three days is enough rest? He needs to come out and socialize." Yachi presses send and taps her foot, glancing at her phone time and again waiting for it to light up indicating a reply.

"He's worse than Kageyama sometimes." Hinata pipes up, enjoying his own comment.

Kageyama takes offense at that and they start bickering, an almost familiar background noise now to Tadashi.

Yachi's phone buzzes and her attention is back to her phone. Tadashi just stands there with all his friends distracted and wonders if Tsukishima hates him. There hadn't been anything overt the last time, Tsukishima had been all that was polite and gracious to his parents and he hadn't been any more glowering with Tadashi than normal so he's at a loss.

Tsukishima is so hard to understand sometimes.

"He's not coming." Yachi says with an exhale. She glares at her phone before she pockets it. "He says next time. He's been saying that the past three times I invited him!"

Hinata stops mid-sentence from his argument to says, "It's fine we can have fun without Tsupid here."

"Don't call him that. It's not Tsupid. It's Tsukki." Tadashi suddenly blurts out and immediately he feels as if something had taken hold of him just to say that. It's so out of place and jarring in his own mind that it feels like an incoming headache.

His three companions look at him and it makes him feel self-conscious. "What?"

"Does he—?" Hinata doesn't finish his question but the look he has is wide-eyed and shocked, and Tadashi realizes he said Tsukishima's name wrong.

"I meant Tsukishima. His name's Tsukishima." He corrects himself hurriedly, trying not to blush. "He wouldn't keep getting mad at you if you just used his name."

And the staring stops, the three of them looking like deflating balloons. Yachi shakes her head a little and smiles at him, somehow Tadashi doesn't feel better.

"What is it?"

"It's nothing..." Yachi hedges, biting her lip but Kageyama has no qualms about saying what they were thinking earlier.

"We thought you remembered. It’s like the old you... you know, before The Memory Loss." He says the last words so seriously that it's almost ridiculous but Tadashi can’t find it in him to laugh.

"Oh." His brows furrow and he recalls his words, trying to examine them and look for any hidden meanings but he doesn't really find anything, just that Hinata has been name-calling Tsukishima since before his accident and Tadashi has been defending him.

_Oh._

He hasn't anymore though, not since his accident. Tsukishima normally just ignores any insulting names Hinata throws at him, sometimes he does retaliate, his own words sharp and biting. He does kind of admire how Tsukishima could be viciously mocking if he wanted to. But he had never seen Tsukishima cowed by any insulting remarks so he wonders now why he had felt that strong urge to defend the tall blonde when from all of Tadashi's recent experience Tsukishima had been able to handle it by himself.

"Don't worry about it!" Yachi chirps, smile bright and while normally Tadashi would bask under it, right now, it’s too bright. Almost forced. Like she wants to gloss over something bad she’s hiding. Was his little slip up with Tsukishima’s name something big? It does have a rather catchy ring to it, something that could be a habit in the sounds of the syllables. Even so, it’s not so weird is it? He tries to think about it, tries to recall, hoping this time there’s even a thin thread he can grasp but there’s still nothing there. Just black and an insistent pressure that’s the start of a headache he’s already familiar with.

He sighs and takes up Yachi's advice to not worry about it.

For now, at least.

 

* * *

 

The day had been fun if tiring. Tadashi drops to his bed and stretches, thinking back to earlier. They had finally met Takeda-sensei who had put Tadashi at ease, definitely a better first meeting than with Ukai-san who had scared Tadashi until he realized who had been creating such a racket in their store.

They'd gone to visit the school and Tadashi had seen a picture of the volleyball club members in their time. There were a few of the current seniors and juniors who remembered him and while it had been a little awkward to explain to them why _he_ didn't, the overall the experience had been pleasant. They'd asked about their former demon captain Tsukishima and the younger students had laughed telling Tadashi stories from when Tadashi and the others had been seniors.

"Tsukishima-senpai was cool though even if he was a demon sometimes." One skinny boy remarked, his grin wide and a little fond. “I almost quit volleyball because everyone else was better than me. I mean what was the point of working hard if someone else was just going to be better, right? But Tsukishima-senpai talked to me. ” Everyone chuckled at that; the idea of Tsukishima giving a heart to heart encouragement was amusing but also Tadashi could see it from their expressions, hear it from their voices: Tsukishima had been a great captain.

“He told me I had my pride and that should be more than enough motivation for me to do my best. That he knew that feeling well and it took someone else to remind him so I probably needed someone to remind me too.” The boy finished his recollection and his friends ruffled his hair, laughing.

"And now he's our best pinch server!" One of the other boys hollered.

"Just like our vice-captain before!" Said another one.

The atmosphere rose, voices high and laughing, his friends and his juniors trading more stories and camaraderie but Tadashi’s attention is rather split because those words that his junior had said had felt familiar somehow. A distant echo in his mind that he couldn’t pinpoint the origin of. The more he tried to locate it, the more stabbing pain assaulted his head.

He had to squeeze his eyes in response to the sudden blinding pain.

"Yamaguchi-kun?"

When he had opened his eyes he was greeted with Yachi's worried expression so he attempted a smile, telling her _he's fine_. The smile must've been convincing enough because Yachi only gives him one more worried look before she turns back to another younger girl.

They had spent a couple more minutes with the younger students before they bid their goodbyes and went on to visit the others.

Tadashi sighs when he hears something pop as he stretches on his bed again. Today had definitely been tiring. He looks at his ceiling and wonders about those… _things_. He wants to call them fragments of memories but they’re not, not really, there’s no image or scent or memory that’s attached to them, no glimpse of his past to clue him in, just this odd sense of remembering a feeling that happened, something like déjà vu but not quite reaching that certainty.

He closes his eyes, whispers a nickname he's not familiar with but still feels right somehow and he feels that there should be a million questions right now, all of them clamoring for answers. It should be like chaos in his head, like a messy room where the things he needs are there, just buried under a hundred other things and he simply has to root them out. But it’s not. It’s more like a sparse one with nothing but a few sealed boxes stacked on top of each other. And when he finally rips off the tape sealing a box he finds that it’s just as empty as the room it’s in. They’re nothing except broken promises of something that should've been there but is just _not_.

It's frustrating enough that Tadashi feels that slight burn behind his eyes, the clawing urge to scream at the futility of his situation. He _wants_ to remember but he can't and with each day that want fades away, just a bit, almost imperceptible on its own but right now he can feel it, the collective loss of hope from each day, each moment, the way new memories are replacing the need for the old ones. He _wants_ to keep wanting to remember but it's so much harder each time that he tries and fails.

He feels a touch of fear for when he stops wanting to remember, stops trying because for some reason, without any basis really, he feels like there's a part of himself that he'll lose if he stops fighting, if he just gives in and makes a new life. He doesn't know what this part is but he wants it back because maybe, just maybe, it's the answer to all his millions of unasked questions.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i finished school. /pops party poppers/ but i'm also playing ffxiv and i have a tendency to sell my soul to one thing at a time and i haven't written a lot in the recent months. it's a terrible thing but i want to try and at least write during my break so fingers crossed. if you've got any suggestions or comments or anything really that might not seem clear i'm very happy to hear them(and even probably correct them if something confuses you) just comment or tweet me at @_ureshiima. that said, A HUGEEEE THANK YOU TO EVERYONE WHO COMMENTED AND KUDOS'D even when i basically didn't update for like four months. I LOVE EACH AND EVERY ONE OF YOU AND I'M SUPER THANKFUL YOU GUYS ARE HERE FOR THE RIDE even if it is long and the updates are rather unpredictable. i'm really honored whenever you tell me you cry when you read a chapter i've done because really if my writing can bring out emotions then i do think that's a good job. but here /hands you all tissues/
> 
> also this chapter was also beta'd by niz but i changed a huge chunk of the end/second part and those parts haven't been over a beta (bc this was actually done a couple of months ago I JUST DIDNT HAVE TIME TO REVIEW THE CORRECTIONS IM A TERRIBLE PERSON IM SORRY) so really if anything is confusing i'd really do appreciate it being pointed out!!


	10. you don't have to stay

He doesn't receive a text from Yachi today.

He stares at his phone, refusing to acknowledge the irritation nudging at him. He's relieved. He's _glad_. He doesn't need to make up some excuse for Yachi again. This is a good thing, he tells himself.

He's definitely not wondering what they're doing today; if they've just given up asking for him to join them.

Kei grits his teeth, ready to not-sulk in his room the whole day again when a knock on his door draws his attention. Sighing, he calls that the door is open and his mother's head pops in. She's smiling pleasantly at him.

"Do you have any plans today, Kei?"

Kei blinks, brows furrowing a little. "No?"  
   
His mother's smile widens but it looks less pleasant and more determined. "Are you sure? It's a nice day. You're not going out with your friends?"

"No."

" _Really_ , Kei?" Her incredulity is emphasized in her tone despite the unwavering smile. "You've been cooped up in the house for the past days. You haven't seen any of your friends."

Kei's eyes narrow as he realizes this isn't just a simple inquiry of his day's schedule. "I've been seeing them before the break. Maybe I'm sick of them." He tries to keep his voice unaffected, bored, but perhaps something insinuates into his tone anyway because the smile slips a little from his mother's face and concern flits over her features. "Did you have a fight with them? Was it with Yamaguchi-kun?"

" _No_." Kei resists the urge to clench his jaw and swallows. "I'm going out in a while." He adds, hoping his mother would leave it at that.

She doesn't.

"I thought you said you weren't going out with your friends?"

"I'm not. I need to get something from the store."

Something softens from his mother's presence, shoulders slumping a little, eyes filled with more concern that makes Kei shift uneasily. "You know you can talk to Mom and Dad if you have a problem, don't you, Kei?"

Kei inhales slowly and nods. He releases his breath and looks at his mother. "I'm fine. I just have something to do today."

They stare at each other for a while, the seconds stretching and Kei wonders if she'll continue prying, dreads the possibility. 

But she doesn't. 

His mother nods and asks him if he'll be home for dinner. He answers in the affirmative and she smiles at him again, this one a little sad but at least she's willing to drop the subject.

 

* * *

 

Thanks to his brilliant lie to his mother earlier, Kei finds himself outside with hours to kill before coming home for dinner. As much as he's glad that his mother didn't push earlier, he has no illusions that she wouldn't try to wear him down if he was around her. It's bad enough that Akiteru knows, he just isn't in the mood to hash this out with his parents.

Besides, it's not so bad being outside. There's few people about and with his headphones on, rarely anyone bothered him. He follows a familiar path to a park near his old high school, tuning his surroundings out as memories from his last talk with Akiteru flash in his mind, his brother's words a haunting echo.

_"If it's something you love, you don't just walk away from it."_

He looks up at the sky, more white than blue but no less blinding, and lets out a sharp bark of laughter, derisive in its tone. He squeezes his eyes close thinking of his situation with Yamaguchi.

 _Don't just walk away_ , Akiteru had said.

But isn't that what happened with Yamaguchi? Granted, it's not his fault but it's the same thing. Yamaguchi doesn't remember  _them_  anymore. He's walked away and taking a step farther every time.

Kei groans and closes his eyes, he shifts his glasses up and knuckles at an eye, pressing it flat against the socket, pushing against that growing frustration throbbing in his head. He inhales, holds it for three counts and exhales, just trying to keep steady.

A touch startles him out of it and he jerks away rather violently, eyes snapping open and what—or rather,  _who_ —he sees surprises him, not a pleasant or awful kind of surprise, just a general jolt of unexpectedness.

 _Yamaguchi_.  
  
Yamaguchi is there in front of him, looking at him. Kei doesn't remember when's the last time he's gotten Yamaguchi's complete attention, there's always been others around or something, an activity, a show, food,  _something_. 

It's been too long. 

But now—

Now Yamaguchi is staring at him, his pupils still small despite his eyes opening wide. Kei remembers how it looked awkward on him when they were kids, with his perpetual wide eyed look and tiny pupils like he's always surprised and lost. It had looked stupid to Kei back then but now it's already something familiar and comforting to him. A constant he craves without even realizing it.

He hadn't even realized he'd been staring until Yamaguchi waves a hand in front of his face, lips moving, saying something that's lost to Kei.

Yamaguchi furrows his brows and Kei resists the urge to ease them with his fingers. A hand reaches up to his head and for a moment Kei thinks that Yamaguchi will brush at his hair like he used to, his heartbeat skips and starts to race until he feels the weight of his noise-cancelling headphones shifting.

The music he hadn't been paying attention to turns into a faint tune as the sounds of reality replace them, his hope fading along with it.

"Tsukishima?"

Yamaguchi tilts his head to the side in question, his hand pulling back to his side.

Kei just blinks at him, still off balance at the brunette's presence as if he'd been summoned by Kei's thoughts.

"Are you alright, Tsukishima?"

Kei grunts, still confused.

Yamaguchi's face pinches with worry and he leans a little closer to peer at Kei's face. "You were just standing there." Yamaguchi's hand waves at where Kei stands. "You're not hurt, are you?"

Kei shakes his head and pinches the bridge of his nose. "I'm fine."

Yamaguchi looks at him with disbelief before pressing his lips together. "You don't look fine."

Which is funny because he isn't fine but it's not like Kei can admit that.

"Well I am."

Yamaguchi mutters something but Kei couldn't catch the words before he feels a palm pressing against his forehead, a look of determined concern on Yamaguchi's face.

Kei feels himself heat up at the contact. Something that would've been common before is now a rarity that Kei doesn't want to expect for anymore.

But it's there and his breath hitches before he pulls back, a scowl slipping on his lips on reflex.

"What—"

"You don't feel hot enough to have a fever." Yamaguchi comments. "Do you have a headache?"

 _I will now,_ Kei almost growls back but manages with a short "no" instead.

"Does anything hurt?"

 _My heart_.

As soon as the thought flickers in his mind, Kei pushes it roughly aside. The inanity of it is embarrassing . His heart does not hurt, _goddamit_. He can't even believe he had that sappy thought.

Yamaguchi fusses over him and it should've been comforting but it's not. It only serves as a reminder of the things that are not anymore.

"Stop it!" Kei snaps when Yamaguchi reaches up to touch his forehead again. "Just leave me alone!"

Kei regrets his outburst immediately when Yamaguchi reels back, eyes wide and lips partly open for a question he hasn't voiced yet.

He regrets it even more when Yamaguchi recovers from his shock and stands still, arms held to his side straight, face holding a remote expression.

"Yamaguchi..." He's not sure what the right thing to say is so his voice trails off and he stands there awkwardly, willing for Yamaguchi to understand without words. _Like it used to be_.

But he doesn't because this Yamaguchi has no idea of their relationship, of how they work.

It's not his fault, Kei tells himself but after all this time it doesn't even matter if it is or not, or even if it's anyone's fault to begin with because finding someone to blame won't change anything. Yamaguchi still won't remember.

Yamaguchi looks away, a discontent expression flashing across his face, but it's gone when he turns his attention back to Kei,  like a secret he's not allowed to know. There's an awkwardness in the silence that stretches between them now that Kei hates.

There's a lot of things Kei is starting to hate between them. A growing list of tiny things, perhaps inconsequential singularly, that upset the long held routine of their relationship. But still no matter how long that list gets, he can't seem to hate Yamaguchi himself, even if this one can't remember anything.

After all it's not Yamaguchi's fault for not remembering. Still there's no denying the fact that Yamaguchi is walking away from _them_ , moving on, forging a new life.

And all this time Kei has been watching, feeling wronged at each step Yamaguchi takes, forgetting that he doesn't have to stand still.

Kei decides then that he's done waiting.

Yamaguchi may be walking away but nothing is stopping Kei from following him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so yes. hello. we've gone thru this since previous chapters but again IM SO SORRY FOR ALWAYS POSTING ERRATICALLY im just not the type to regularly write plus im adjusting to work and trying to finish dai so um yes. sorry so very sorry. but i've plotted this one out finally bc i figured i should find a way to end this thing so hopefully that will help. im not a very organized writer i've noticed ahaha orz
> 
> other than that THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR CONTINUED SUPPORT despite my lackluster updating schedule haha.... I LOVE YOUR COMMENTS and your tears and feels pls keep them coming, KUDOSES BOOKMARKS WHAT HAVE YOU i love them all and it makes me super happy that you guys are reading this and are willing to continue reading it!! I LOVE U GUYS YOU'RE THE BEST 
> 
> as always you can reach me at twitter @_ureshiima


	11. can you fix it

_Do you want to get something to eat?_

The question had been so out of the blue that Tadashi's reflexive answer had been to agree.

So here he is now, in a noisy restaurant, nibbling on a fry while glancing at Tsukishima who looks like he wants to be anywhere but here.

That makes two of them at least, Tadashi thinks as he viciously bites the fry in half.

He doesn't know what Tsukishima's angle is honestly. The guy's hot and cold (more often cold) and Tadashi wonders how he has ever handled Tsukishima before. Tadashi tamps down the urge to sigh, berating himself for agreeing to this. He should've just went straight home instead of taking that detour towards Tsukishima.

_Except..._

It had almost been an unconscious move on his part; he had recognized Tsukishima standing at the park alone and Tadashi had just switched to walking towards the tall blonde in a moment's notice.

Tadashi thought Tsukishima had been hurt and his senses had tensed in worry until Tsukishima— Tadashi frowns, remembering Tsukishima snapping at him. Well, until that.

They continue to eat and the silence between them stretches, the bustling noise around them only serving to highlight the awkwardness. It hits Tadashi then that this is something commonplace to them— empty pockets of time where there's an expectation that's never fulfilled. It hasn't been as glaring as now though but maybe not seeing Tsukishima for days had only exacerbated the situation between them.

Tadashi crumples a tissue and decides that he can't take this anymore.

"I'll go." He says as he stands up, fully intending to offer whatever excuse and go but halts when Tsukishima scrambles to his feet, hand half-outstretched towards him, it's a startling move but what really stops him is the expression on Tsukishima's face.

It's one he's never seen before since all this started.

Tsukishima's face is amazingly impassive most of the time, twitches of annoyance or the occasional lost temper (like earlier) the only things that mar it. But now there's wide eyes and parted lips, a frantic energy in his gaze— he swallows and Tadashi wonders if it's his imagination or if Tsukishima really is trembling.

"Tsukishima..."

It's impressive how Tsukishima's face just shuts down at that one word. He sits back down and his hands are clenching. His eyes close and Tadashi has the feeling that he's steadying himself.

 _I should go_ , Tadashi thinks but looking at Tsukishima like this keeps him rooted.

When Tsukishima opens his eyes, Tadashi is surprised at how determined they look.

"Are you done with your food?" Again Tsukishima catches him off-guard with his question and Tadashi nods, then before he can protest Tsukishima has grabbed his hand and is dragging him out of the place, the pace a quick clip.

The cold air blasts past them as they leave the heated building and Tadashi shivers in reaction to the sudden change in temperature but Tsukishima seems unaffected.

"O-Oi! Where are we going?" Tadashi manages as he matches each step Tsukishima takes, the hand grasping Tadashi's is large and warm, insistent.

"Wait! What're we gonna do? Oi, Tsukishima! Tsukishima, what— ... Listen to me, _Tsuki_ — !" Tadashi trips on something and bites his tongue in the middle of Tsukishima's name. He's about to demand that the blonde stop when Tsukishima does it without prompting. He turns to Tadashi but before he can say anything Tadashi growls and shoves Tsukishima with his free hand.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Tadashi snaps, the pain from his tongue fueling his irritation. "First you're angry because I talk to you then you invite me to eat and don't talk to me so I figured you don't want me around but then next thing I know you're dragging me around! What is your problem, Tsukishima?"

"We need to talk." Tsukishima says evenly and that somehow pisses him off more.

"I _am_ talking!" Tadashi tugs at his trapped hand but Tsukishima doesn't let go. " _You're_ the one who won't talk! I'm not a mind reader, Tsukishima. I won't know what you're thinking unless you tell me. We can't keep doing this...whatever _this_ is."

There's a frustrated expression on Tsukishima's face before he shakes his head to dislodge it. When he opens his mouth again, he says an emphatic, "I know." He lets go of Tadashi's hand then and Tadashi feels it as a loss. Which is ridiculous since he had been trying to free his hand just moments ago.

That dreaded silence descends over both of them again and Tadashi is starting to hate it. He hates the way he's so aware of it to the point that he knows that Tsukishima is also struggling with it, the feeling of the quiet moments between them wary instead of comforting. This isn't how it used to be, Tadashi knows this. But he's missing all his cues and has no idea what his lines are— the stifling silence between them driving home the point of the memories he still lacks.

He's tried to keep together for his parents, his friends and even himself. After all breaking apart seems to be the wrong direction so he's forcing himself to what he thinks is the right one. Adjusting to everyone seems to make them happy. Except Tsukishima.

So if keeping it together is the wrong path for Tsukishima, well then, right now Tadashi's all too happy to accommodate.

"What do you know?" Tadashi starts, his anger flaring up again. He takes a step closer to Tsukishima and forgets all about personal space as he grabs at the blonde's jacket. "Do you think I _like_ not remembering anything? Do you think I don't _want_ to remember? I'm trying but I can't remember anything. Do you know how that feels?" Tadashi snorts then continues without waiting for a response. "Of course you don't. You have all your memories intact. But you know what, I'm going to tell you."

"Yamaguchi..." Tsukishima tries to cut him, placing a hand on the tight fist closed around his jacket. But Tadashi makes a sharp shake of his head.

"No, you don't like to talk so you'll listen." Tadashi eases up on his hold and closes his eyes, trying to make some coherent structure to his thoughts but it's too hard and if he's going to break down, might as well go all the way. So the words spill out of him— "If feels like I'm not who I'm supposed to be. I'm not the right Tadashi. I keep thinking I'll be the old Tadashi, the Tadashi with his memories but everyday I wake up and there's _nothing_. I'm still me. Me, wh-who doesn't have any recollection of his past. I can't even remember my parents. I know they're my parents but the feelings aren't there. It's just labels. And it's so hard to see them disappointed when I screw up because I don't remember something I should."

He pounds a fist on Tsukishima's chest and tries to shake the blonde. "And what about other people? I don't know how I should feel when people who know the old me greet me. Should I be happy? Do I like them? Were they important? There's nothing there to tell me how I should feel and it's awful. When they find out, they tell me they hope I get well but I can see it in their eyes, they're pitying me. I'm the poor boy who can't remember. What an awful thing it is to happen to a nice boy, they tell me and I should feel happy that they're worried for me but I don't. All I see is their pity and it makes me so frustrated."

He finally lets go of Tsukishima but doesn't move away. "And _you_." He runs a hand through his hair, nails across his scalp. "I don't get you, Tsukishima. Sometimes you're nice but then other times you're an absolute ass. You're always scowling at me like I did something wrong." Tadashi lets out a puff that's supposed to be a laugh but falls short. "And that's just it, isn't it. I did something wrong. You're angry because I forgot something and I can't remember. But you know what Tsukishima— ," Tadashi leans closer to Tsukishima so they can see eye to eye. "You can't fix something if you don't know that it's broken. If you told me, I could've fixed it. We could've fixed it." The last sentence comes out softer than Tadashi expects, tired and a little pleading, the fight drained out of him.

"I've got nothing, Tsukishima." He holds his hands palms up and gives a half-hearted shrug. Finally he's been able to say it. It's always been at the back of his mind, squashed down by sheer force of will and guilt. It's an awful thing to think considering the support he has through this ordeal but it's something that terrifies him, the idea that none of it is his, that if for some reason another person that looks like him and has the old Tadashi's memories come, everyone would just leave him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HIIIIII guess who finally caught up with haikyuu (me. it's me) so i wrote this while on a hq high and it veered a bit off course from my outline, especially now that i have the current chapters as reference for tsukishima. like hot damn, tsukki, you're growing up so fast. i'm so proud. but anyway i'm still trying to wrestle this thing into something manageable (despite this fic fighting me at every turn god dammit) and there we have nonsocial tsuk trying to bridge the gap.
> 
> ANYWAY ANYWAY I WANT TO THANK EVERYONE WHO'S READING AND WHO COMMENTED AND BOOKMARKED AND KUDOS'D you always make my day!! sorry this was a little sad.../readies boxes of tissues


	12. we'll do it together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi hello!! i'm here with an update!!! (double updates actually if you're also reading my other fic 'put a ring on it') 
> 
> commenter Adaven asked if i had any songs for this fic and i do!! and i figured i'd link it here so everyone can see it too! [LFTA playlist](https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLdAkJ03rx7ivL5Hv3MEMi3hCHdcNYf_cm)  
> i still sometimes add songs to it when i find a new one so yeah, but this is what's playing usually when i write.

_You have me_ , Kei wants to say but it doesn't come out. He can't say it, not like this. Instead he says, "You have your parents. What about Yachi and the others, we're your friends. Are those all nothing?"

The look on Yamaguchi's face tells Kei that his words were the wrong one. He makes this frustrated noise and steps away from Kei with a sharp shake of his head.

"You don't understand!" Yamaguchi snipes. "They're not mine. Not my parents or Yachi or the others or—" Yamaguchi cuts off, like someone had simply muted him. His eyes are staring at Kei like he realizes something. He looks so defeated then that Kei wants to just wrap him in a blanket and keep him supplied with the soggy french fries he used to love. Yamaguchi's lips move, murmuring something that Kei couldn't catch.

"What did you say?" He prompts and Yamaguchi gives him a sad little smile.

"You." Yamaguchi replies in a soft voice, the disbelief laced loosely around the words. "You're not mine either."

Kei feels like he's just swallowed his heart and it's trying to escape, beating in a too-fast rhythm in his chest that he can feel in his throat.

Yamaguchi shakes his head and sighs. "Everyone— they're all for the old Tadashi. Everyone wants the old Tadashi back. The one with the memories, not me. Even you, Tsukishima. You can't tell me you don't because I've heard the stories of us. We were best friends. Everyone’s told me so. All that history between us... it's all gone. I can't remember any of it. Even the important things." Yamaguchi lets out a laughs that sounds a little hysterical to Kei's ears. "I would be angry all the time too, I think. If you lost all the memories we had together and couldn't even remember anything. Like, nothing between us was important enough to stay despite the accident. Isn't that—"

"Shut up, Yamaguchi." Kei cuts in. Yamaguchi blinks at him with something like offended surprise. 

Kei's not angry exactly but Yamaguchi's words definitely prod at fears he'd rather not have. He tries to temper his tone but it still comes out harsh. "You've been watching too many movies. This is real life, Yamaguchi. You don't just magically have specific memories. You don't suddenly get flashbacks when it's convenient. You got into an accident, you forgot your past. That's the reality of it. It's shitty, I get it." Kei grabs Yamaguchi's arm and gives it a shake. "But don't single out our relationship like it being not important enough to you is making me angry."

"I'm not singling it out!" Yamaguchi protests.

Kei groans. God, he's getting a headache from this. "But you forgot everything didn't you? Do you remember the first time you asked Shimada-san to teach you the float serve?"

When Yamaguchi shakes his head, Kei nods like he's validating his point.

"And that was important, Yamaguchi. Wasn't it? You learning that float serve. You wanting to stand on court with us even during your first year in Karasuno. That was important and you don't remember it either. Shimada-san isn't angry about it, is he? "

"I don't understand where you're go—"

"Do you remember who helped you study for the college entrance exam?"

"No? Tsukishi—"

"It was Yachi. You two were holed together at the library two months before the exam and she helped you make the notes. You told me when you passed that it was thanks to her. Is she angry that you forgot?"

"No. We never talked about—"

"Then why would you think _I'd_ be angry if you forgot about us?"

" _Because_ you sound angry right now!" Yamaguchi snaps back, matching Kei's tone.

Kei shuts his mouth at that. He does sound angry. He feels angry too even though he knows he shouldn't be. It's not Yamaguchi's fault and he's already decided not to find anyone to blame for this horrible situation, didn't he? But everything's easier said than done, he supposes.

"Look, this was stupid. I shouldn't have said anything. I didn't want to upset you." Yamaguchi says, pulling away from him. "We should just forget this."

"Do you really think you can afford to forget more?" It’s a terrible thing to say but somehow it’s become a thing with him to say the wrong things at the wrong times.

Yamaguchi's expression is not impressed at all. "You're an asshole, you know that, Tsukishima?"

"I've been told before." Kei should apologize but that has never been his strong suit; better to just press through and distract.

Yamaguchi narrows his eyes at that.

"I'm not angry." Kei says to fill in the silence. Yamaguchi doesn't say anything but his face tells Kei that he doesn't believe that one bit. So Kei amends, "I’m a little angry. But not because it’s your fault."

Yamaguchi is still eyeing him and Kei wants to touch him, to feel grounded knowing that Yamaguchi is  _there_ ; a habit from the past that Kei’s taken for granted.

"You're right. I'd be lying if I said I didn't want you to remember. But it's not as simple as you not being the Yamaguchi I— we want." Kei pinches the bridge of his nose as he closes his eyes and tries to collect his thoughts.

Yamaguchi gives him five seconds of silence before he asks, "What do you mean?"

Kei opens his eyes and looks at Yamaguchi, there's an uncertain expression hovering over his face, beneath it is a sort of hopefulness that tugs at Kei, makes him want to know what the right words to say are. This isn't a movie with a carefully constructed script though, his lines are his own and he has no idea if it's the right thing to say but Yamaguchi is waiting, _listening_ , so he says them anyway.

"It's not a matter of the old Yamaguchi and you. You keep saying that you're different, that you're not the Yamaguchi we want."

"I _am_ different, Tsukishima." Yamaguchi insists, his lips pressing into a stubborn line.

"But you're still Yamaguchi. With or without your memories, it doesn't change the fact that you're Yamaguchi Tadashi. Would it be easier if you remembered? Sure, it would but the new things you do, the old things you don't do anymore, your thoughts now, the memories you make, it's still all Yamaguchi. It's all a part of the Yamaguchi we know. Whoever you end up being will be the _real_ Yamaguchi. It's impossible for it to be otherwise." Yamaguchi parts his lips but Kei soldiers on, not wanting to be interrupted. "And your parents? They're Yamaguchi's parents. Yachi and the others are Yamaguchi's friends. I'm Yamaguchi's friend. I'm _your_ friend."

 _I'm yours_ , are the words behind his tongue that he refuses to give a voice.

"Oh." The word is more of a breath than anything. Yamaguchi is staring at him looking a little dumbstruck and Kei wonders if that means he said the right thing.

"Tsukki."

It's said even softer that Kei wonders if he heard it right. "What?"

"I— did I call you Tsukki before?"

Kei knows that hoping for Yamaguchi to remember everything at this point in an exercise in futility but he can't help the disappointment that washes over him.

"You did." He wants to ask if Yamaguchi remembers anything but he doesn't want the answer, not when he knows it won't help.

"I said it once. The day we went to visit Karasuno High. That morning, Hinata was saying something. One of his nicknames for you." Yamaguchi gives a soft chuckle at the memory. "It was insulting and I just...I just said something like he shouldn't call you that. I used Tsukki and everyone stopped." Yamaguchi looks away and Kei can see from his face that he's piecing things together. "They thought I remembered because I used to call you Tsukki."

"Yeah. They probably did."

The silence that follows after his confirmation is a little different than what Kei has been getting used to. It feels a little more like the old them, comfort in the quiet instead of breaths held in tensed anticipation.

"I didn't think you'd be the type to let someone give you a nickname." Yamaguchi comments.

"You're the first one who did." Kei replies, keeping his voice even. "You were pretty tenacious about it too."

Yamaguchi tilts his head to the side, taking in that information. "Do you want me to call you that again?"

Kei doesn't miss the way Yamaguchi's gaze is gauging his reaction. It's a deliberate test, Kei realizes. Yamaguchi is testing his words from earlier and Kei should feel irritated but he wants to laugh instead.

"Not if you don't feel like it." Kei tells him and Yamaguchi's surprised face feels like a victory.

"I won't then." Yamaguchi says. The smile starts small, a little hesitant but it spreads through his lips and ends with showing his teeth. It's a cheeky looking grin that goes right through Kei. "I don't feel like it _yet_." 

It's not much but Kei feels like it's a good promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so we're roughly winding down?? i have scenes here and there and the ending!! contrary to my earlier assumption, this fic might stretch up to 20 chapters so there's still a bit left, so please stick around!! i promise to make tsukyam happy too!!
> 
> again THANKS SO MUCH TO EVERYONE WHO READS, COMMENTS, KUDOS'D AND BOOKMARKED!! I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH AND YOUR COMMENTS ALWAYS MAKE ME SMILE!! also to the people who talk on twitter! i'm always happy to meet new tsukkiyama people!!
> 
> as always any typos/mistakes or anything unclear, please do point it out so i can fix it!!


	13. where each puzzle piece fits

Tsukishima walks Tadashi back to his house despite his protests of “I’m not a girl, Tsukishima. I can get home alone just fine.”

The blonde had just looked down on him imperiously (Tadashi had always felt tall, not so much next to Tsukishima though) but instead of the usual prick of irritation Tadashi had almost laughed before giving in.

“Does it feel nostalgic to you?” Tadashi starts when they pass by Sakanoshita-san’s shop.

Tsukishima glances at him, head cocking a little to the side in question.

“Walking down the streets, I mean.” Tadashi looks around, the place is a little more familiar now— especially after Yachi and the others had repeatedly pointed the places to him— but it's the familiarity of a fresh habit instead of place twined years in your life.

Tsukishima mulls over that, a finger tapping against the outer shell of his headphones looped around his neck. “Not really.” Tsukishima says after several seconds. “We go home during breaks and it’s not like I haven’t been to this place for a long time. I was here half a year ago.”

Tadashi shakes his head and smiles ruefully. “I know but you— _we_ grew up here. Don’t you miss living here everyday?”

Tsukishima is silent as they walk and Tadashi wonders if he said something wrong. The quiet that settles isn’t uncomfortable exactly, but Tadashi doesn’t want the conversation to lapse into nothing.

“Tsukishima?” He prompts.

“I didn’t. Not so much no.” The finger tapping on the headphone speeds up a little. “It didn’t feel like I was leaving behind anything important. A lot of the people we knew would be at Tokyo, you know. Yachi and you would be going to the same university. My brother also worked there for a while when we started. Our parents wouldn’t stop calling us every night asking if we were eating right and all that.”

“Oh.” Tadashi breathes out before deciding to respond to the easiest part of that. “Did we? Eat right, I mean.”

There’s a flash of teeth and it takes a moment for Tadashi to realize that Tsukishima had just grinned. Grinned. A cousin of a smile. Mr. Frown Face. A startling occurrence, that.

Tadashi can’t help his answering smile as Tsukishima replies, “Of course not. We were college students, first time away living alone. We binged on cup ramen for the first week, then riceballs the second. The convenience store clerk already knew us by the end of the month.”

Tadashi chuckles at the thought. He may not have the memory but he can imagine it— him and Tsukishima huddled in front of the TV, in loose pajamas, knees bent to their chest and eating newly made cup ramen.

“We lied to our parents. Told them we were eating a healthy meal.”

“Did they find out?”

“Eventually. They made my brother check up on us and he found nothing but cup ramen and chips in our place. My mom was so mad. Told me I should eat better and I shouldn’t infect you with horrible eating habits.”

“What if I infected you though?” Tadashi says gaily, getting into the story.

“Oh, you did. You kept bringing home strawberry cake and we’d eat it. I’m surprised our teeth didn’t rot.” Tsukishima’s laugh is soft, almost insubstantial but the corners of his eyes crinkle and his lips curve up a little. It warms Tadashi’s insides in a way he doesn’t expect.

“Just strawberry? What do we have against other flavors?” He says waiting for Tsukishima’s return.

But the light camaraderie fractures when Tsukishima inhales sharply, his lips tightening for a moment before he tries to smooth it back out. Tadashi could’ve missed it but he had been watching Tsukishima, attention focused.

“Tsukishima? Is something wrong?”

The blonde shakes his head, a little too hard Tadashi thinks.

“It’s fine. Nothing’s wrong.” Tsukishima mutters. “I just—I like strawberry cake. It’s ah— my favorite. You never really pick another flavor.”

Tadashi blinks. “Oh.” He feels the inkling of self consciousness as the mood dampens. “Sorry, I didn’t know.” Tadashi purposely avoids the phrase, _I forgot_. He doesn’t want to bring that up again.

“I know.” Tsukishima’s smile looks a little pained but he gives his head a shake. “It’s fine.”

Tadashi doesn’t quite know how to lighten the mood but it turns out he doesn’t have to as his house comes into view.

“Ah.” He breathes out, feeling a flood of relief and reluctance. He glances at Tsukishima and notes that the blonde is also looking at his house.

“Guess this is your stop.” Tsukishima says as they stand just a few feet away from his gate.

“Yeah. Thanks for walking me home.” Tadashi bites his lip for a split second before forcing a grin. “You know even though you didn’t have to. It was safe all the way.” He tries for a joking tone and waits, wondering if he managed to convey it.

Tsukishima’s stare is a little unnerving but it softens with a small smile. “I didn’t walk you home to make it safe.” He says but then looks away as he continues, “I just wanted to spend more time with you.”

Tadashi manages not to gasp too loudly but his heart trips over a couple of beats before it steadies into a rhythm that’s a little too fast. Tsukishima looks a little rigid, hands in his jacket pockets, face turned away and—

Tadashi blinks.

Blushing. Tsukishima is _blushing_ , his cheeks brushed with a soft red, the tip of his ears a brighter shade.

Tsukishima huffs then and still keeping his gaze averted, he says, “I should get going. See you.”

Tadashi grabs his wrist before he can completely turn away. “Tomorrow.” He blurts out, somehow breathless despite just standing there. “Do you wanna hang out tomorrow?”

Tsukishima looks at him and Tadashi almost feels like he’s being searched but then Tsukishima nods. “Sure. I’ll stop by tomorrow morning.”

“Alright. It’s a plan.” Tadashi says, finally letting go.

Tsukishima glances at his wrist then nods again. “I’m off.”

“Be careful on your way back.” Tadashi tells him just before Tsukishima fits his headphones on his ears and walks away.

Tadashi watches Tsukishima's back until he turns the corner, out of his sight, just a little confused at his own reactions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELP SORRY FOR THAT SHORT CHAPTER but i feel like it ended rather nicely there and i figured i'd just separate the chapter instead of trying to continue the next part and putting it up as one. 
> 
> So hello my dear readers, we have been here before. As always I wanna thank you all who take the time to read, kudos, bookmark, subscribe, comment and even reach out to me on twitter! I'm super happy talking to people who've read my fic so really THANK YOU SO MUCH!! Also sorry for being so poor with updates (thank u again for those you reassure me that i can take my time ;w;) but I'm just terrible at writing consistently and I get distracted super easily /closes eyes/
> 
> Anyway! This one wasn't super sad huh? I was surprised! But I hope it's a balm to your souls for a while since I've been having sad ones for quite a bit now! (^u^;)
> 
> contact: @_ureshiima at twitter


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